


For what it's worth

by HammerToFall



Series: Marauders Era [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders' Era, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:36:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HammerToFall/pseuds/HammerToFall
Summary: 'They all lived extremely unhealthily - drinking too much, smoking too much, staying up all night way too much. But it was hard to do anything else in times like these. When any day could feasibly be your last. They collectively got through it by indulging their bad habits and leaning on each other.'Remus is facing the reality of being a werewolf in a society that hates him; Sirius is still trying to outrun the Black family legacy; James wants to propose to Lily but the war keeps getting in the way, and Lily has a secret - how on earth is she going to tell James? (Also, where the hell has Peter been lately?)-Marauders Part 3!This is part of my marauders series and includes some call backs to earlier works, but I don't see why it couldn't be read as a stand-alone.





	1. Tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> I think this has a bit of everything - plenty of fluff, plenty of angst, the darkness of the war but pockets of pure joy. And tons and tons of marauders banter.
> 
> Hope you like it.

Remus stood in the kitchen staring blankly out of the window. His hands were in the sink, the tap running lukewarm water. He was doing the dishes, or pretending to, at least. What he’d really been doing for the past ten minutes was looking out of the window. Or looking AT the window might be a more accurate description, since it was raining so heavily he could barely even see out of it. Except he wasn’t really doing that either, he was staring into space, letting the horrible day's events wash over him.

How was he going to tell Sirius he’d lost another job?

At least the manager of the bookshop had been nice about it this time. He’d been great about the whole thing actually – not telling the other staff about Remus's condition and giving him a couple of days off at the full moon. Fuck, at this point Remus was eternally grateful to the man for even hiring him in the first place, in spite of the big red stamp across the bottom of his CV saying ‘Registered Werewolf'. It was a legal requirement that he declare it on any job application. Sirius had suggested more than once that he don’t, but if he was found out to be lying about it he could face criminal charges.

And so it was a challenge, to say the least, to find anyone that would even consider employing him. And whenever he did, it always went the same way. Some way or another the staff at the bookshop had found out, and they had all banded together and threatened to quit. The manager said he tried to reason with them - whether he actually did or was just saying this to be kind, Remus didn’t know. It didn’t really matter though, because the upshot was that Remus was out. Even putting aside how difficult it would be to replace the entire rest of the staff with more open minded people, if word spread about it then the bookshop would surely lose all its customers too. Remus understood. He didn’t blame the manager.

Sitting and listening to the speech about why the manager had to let him go wasn’t the worst part. The grim look on his face when he called Remus into his office and the sinking feeling Remus got when he realised what was happening wasn’t even the worst part. One of the other staff spitting at him in disgust as he left the shop was pretty awful, but even that wasn’t the worst part. The worst was yet to come.

When Sirius came home, Remus was going to have to tell him, and he would have to see the disappointment and pity on his face. And then he would have to listen to Sirius rant and rage all night about how it was all bullshit. And he was right of course. It was bullshit. All of it was bullshit. But Remus didn’t want to talk about how it was bullshit. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want someone else to tell him about it. Because what good did it do to keep going on about it? How many times could they have the same conversation? So then Remus would get wound up at Sirius, and then they would argue, and Remus’s bad day would go from shit to really fucking shit. They had been going round and round in this routine ever since leaving school a year ago.

Remus shook his head and finally turned off the tap. The heavy thud of the rain on the window seemed to increase in volume, as it was now the only sound. He turned around and looked around their flat, half thinking about going to lie down on the sofa. It was a decent sized apartment, considering they were on the edge of central London. Sirius had made a sizeable dent in his money from Alphard in buying the place outright, but Remus was eternally grateful that rent wasn’t an issue. Money had never really been an issue, actually. Sirius’s small fortune in inheritance aside, Sirius himself made fairly decent money working at the Potioneers. And he was able to bring home various healing potions for Remus around the full moon, which would have been one of their biggest expenses. Money wasn’t really why Remus wanted a job. He just wanted to have a normal life. Or as normal as was possible in the middle of a war. He supposed that was why Sirius went out to work too.

Remus often thought it was a shame, that someone so naturally gifted as Sirius ended up working in a potions shop. He and James had always been top of their class, and God knows neither of them had ever actually TRIED particularly hard at school. Remus could only imagine what the pair of them were actually capable of should they turn their attentions to something productive. But neither of them would go anywhere near a ministry job. Partially on moral grounds, because of their treatment of werewolves - despite Remus’s protests (God knows how many times he and Sirius had had THAT argument). But also partially because things were a bit strained, between the ministry and the Order.

They had all joined the Order of the Phoenix right off the bat, as soon as they left school. Missions were fairly low key and sporadic at first. But as the death eater movement steadily got worse the Order work became more and more demanding. In fact, none of them could really have anything resembling a career anymore, since the Order was increasing becoming a full time job in itself. Dumbledore had been cooperating with the Auror department for a while, but he was now starting to pull away from the ministry and give more work to the order, and it wasn’t hard to see why. Crouch was becoming increasingly ruthless in his pursuit of the death eaters, even going so far as to legalise the use of the killing curse on them. Never mind collateral damage or mistaken identity. And of course, it was always difficult to know whether Voldemort had infiltrated the ministry or not. Even if he hadn’t yet, it was probably only a matter of time.

Remus was dwelling on this dark thought when the door suddenly opened making him jump out of his skin. Sirius walked in, brushing his wet hair out of his face with an arm that was wrapped in cling film, smiling affectionately at him.

“Hey, wasn’t expecting you home this early” he said softly, walking over to Remus and giving him a brief kiss with wet lips.

“Another one?” Remus asked by way of response, examining Sirius’s arm.

They all had their vices, that helped them get through the war. James’s were (and always had been) firewhisky and occasionally punching Sirius. Lily’s were cigarettes, and blaming Sirius for the fact that she smoked. Peter’s were firewhisky and having a new girlfriend every other week. Remus’s were cigarettes, gin and general sulking. Sirius’s were firewhisky, cigarettes, that stupid fucking motorbike, reckless behaviour in general and now, apparently, tattoos.

They all lived extremely unhealthily - drinking too much, smoking too much, staying up all night way too much. But it was hard to do anything else in times like these. When any day could feasibly be your last. They collectively got through it by indulging their bad habits and leaning on each other. James, Lily and Peter all dropped by unannounced every other day, and Remus and Sirius went to James and Lily’s all the time too. Remus couldn't complain, his life had pretty much always been like this. Or since Hogwarts, at least. It would be downright weird (not to mention lonely) going a whole week without seeing all of his friends. But he did sometimes wonder what their lives might have been like, were they living in a different time.

“You’ll like this one” Sirius grinned, carefully unwrapping the plastic from his arm. Remus looked at it a little distastefully. He had a tattoo of his own of course, but it certainly wasn’t one that he had ever _wanted_ , and he was quite determined that no needle would ever pierce his skin again. As for Sirius adorning his body with the things... Remus didn’t hate it as much as he thought he might, when Sirius had first suggested the idea. But he still wasn’t sure that he exactly liked it. And he especially didn’t like it when it was all fresh and oozing and disgusting.

“Look” Sirius said proudly, holding his arm out and looking at Remus for his reaction.

“ _What_ is that?” Remus asked, unimpressed. Sirius’s forearm was completely covered in grey clouds, with a large crescent moon peeking out from behind them.

“It’s you!” Sirius declared. “ _Moony._ See?”

“Are you serious?” Remus asked incredulously. Sirius’s grin grew even wider and Remus cut him off before he could make some stupid Sirius/serious joke.

“I HATE the moon.”

Sirius’s smile faltered and he looked at Remus a little warily, retracting his arm.

“I know you hate the full. That’s why I got a crescent moon. And it’s not supposed to be THE moon. It’s supposed to represent you. Moony.”

“I hate EVERYTHING about the moon” Remus snapped, fully aware he was losing his temper over matters entirely unrelated to Sirius’s new tattoo, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. “I always have. And I’ve always hated that stupid nickname too.”

“ _Remus...”_ Sirius said consolingly, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, but Remus turned away. He took a deep breath trying to pull himself together, but it didn’t work. Why did he always have to be so together, anyway? Why couldn’t he ever be the one to lose his rag?

“If you want to put that shit all over your body then be my guest” Remus snapped. “But don’t fucking act like you’re doing it for me, when you clearly don’t give a shit how _I_ feel about it.”

“Fucking hell Remus, it’s only a tattoo, it’s not the end of the fucking world” Sirius replied, sounding annoyed.

“I KNOW” Remus yelled. In the silence that followed he took another deep breath, which actually did calm him down this time. He turned back to Sirius, who was looking a mixture of angry, confused and hurt.

“I know” Remus repeated, much more calmly. There was a pause, in which Sirius’s expression softened. Remus looked down at the floor, unable to face him as he said it.

“I lost my job...”

A heavy silence followed.  Remus tentatively looked back up at Sirius, who was looking at him with that horrible pitying look that Remus knew all too well.

“Don't look at me like that” he said irritably, turning away to face the window again.

“Like what?” Sirius’s voice was surprisingly soft. Remus jumped again when he felt Sirius’s hand on his shoulder.

“Like I’m fucking pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic, Rem.”

“I AM though, aren’t I?” Remus burst out, flaring up again. Apparently _he_ was going to be the one ranting and raging tonight. “Its fucking pitiful isn’t it? All those years, working my arse off at Hogwarts. All those nights I stayed up studying. For what?!” Remus laughed, although there was nothing remotely funny about the situation.

“What did I even bother going to school for at all? What was even the fucking point?” Remus could hear his own voice was coming out horribly bitter now. Remus knew that Sirius hated him talking like this. But he couldn’t help it. Not when everything felt so utterly hopeless.

He put his hands over his face, trying to get a hold of himself. It did no-one any good to let the rage and resentment consume him like this. But sometimes it didn’t do any good to pretend that the whole situation was anything other than shit, either.

“What was the point Sirius? In any of it?” Remus asked desperately, his voice slightly muffled through his fingers, as the hurt finally won out over the anger.

He was taken by surprise by Sirius wrapping him in a tight hug from behind with such force he nearly fell over. He let out a small ‘oof' of surprise.

“To meet _me”_ Sirius said quietly into his ear. “That was the point, Moons.”

Remus didn’t quite know what to say to that. He clamped his eyes shut, letting the multitude of emotions he was feeling wash over him.

“To meet all of us. To be one of the Marauders.” Sirius went on. “We needed you. _I_ needed you.”

“You’d have been fine without me” Remus muttered dismissively, trying to wriggle free from Sirius’s arms. Sirius clung tighter, not letting him go. This must be hurting his freshly tattooed arm, but he held onto Remus like his life depended on it anyway.

“It wouldn’t have been the same” Sirius insisted. “There’d be no Padfoot, no Prongs, no Wormtail. There’d be no Marauders map. We’d never have been able to pull off half the stuff we did without you. And Christ knows what would have happened to me. I might still be at Grimmauld Place...”

“You wouldn’t” Remus said quietly, but made no further attempt to free himself from Sirius’s grip.

“Yeah, you’re probably right” Sirius conceded. “I was never going to stay in that madhouse longer than I had to. But I definitely wouldn’t be this happy anywhere other than here, with you.”

“You’re really happy?” Remus asked. Happy was a relative term in these times of course. They would never be as carefree as they were in their school days. Constantly looking over their shoulders for death eaters and opening letters with baited breath waiting to see who else had been killed. But as soon as Remus asked the question he already knew the answer. Sirius was probably the happiest of all of them. The war didn’t seem to grind him down as much as the others, because in some ways he’d been living out the war for his whole life. He didn’t really know any different. Yes, Sirius was probably about as happy as it was possible to be, nowadays.

“Of course I am, you twat” Sirius replied, sounding confused at the question. He finally released Remus, who turned around to face him.

“Are you not?” Sirius asked him, a little worriedly. Remus gave him a grim smile.

“Here, with you, yes” Remus assured him, affectionately brushing Sirius’s hair out of his face and tucking it behind his ear. Sirius’s worried expression disappeared and he smiled back.

“But out there...” Remus sighed, looking away again.

“I know” Sirius replied simply, kissing Remus on the cheek. Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius as he did so, pulling him slightly closer in an embrace.

“What are we going to do, Pads?” he muttered into the side of Sirius’s head. There was a slight pause before Sirius replied.

“We take care of each other. Like we always have. All the other shit will sort itself out.”

 “I hope you’re right” Remus whispered.

They stood there in the kitchen like that for a long time. Remus supposed that Sirius _was_ right. All they could do now was take care of each other. They were pretty much helpless to do anything else. Eventually Sirius took a step back, ruffling his wet hair.

“I need to take a shower. I have to wash this” he gestured to his tattooed arm, which was looking rather slimy. Remus frowned and took a look down at his jumper. Sure enough, there were ink stains on it from where Sirius had hold of him earlier.

“Do you really hate it?” Sirius asked cautiously. “Because I could have it removed, or covered up...”

“No” Remus replied, softening. “I don't hate it. I was just pissed off. Not at you” he clarified.

“Alright” Sirius smiled, before shuffling off in the direction of the bathroom. “Shall we go to Prongs's, after?” he called from the down the hallway.

Remus smiled a little at the prospect. Hanging out at James’s place was the closest they got these days to feeling like old times, back in the Hogwarts dorm. Getting drunk on firewhisky and generally pratting about, Lily laughing herself stupid at their antics.

“Yeah, let’s do that.” Remus replied, feeling something resembling alright for the first time all day.


	2. Gin

“How exactly did I get conned into this again?” Sirius asked James, slightly irritably, as the two of them walked down the street in the pissing rain on their way to the chip shop.

“Because YOU gave my girlfriend a glass of firewhisky, so now she's in party mode and there’s no way that she’s going to cook” James replied accusatorily.

“YOU could cook” Sirius suggested. James laughed.

“Have we forgotten the great meatball disaster of ’78? I’m not allowed in the kitchen.”

“Well, you’ve got that nicely wrapped up, haven’t you?” Sirius shot back. James grinned.

“We hardly ever get time alone anymore anyway” James said conversationally. “Not that I don’t enjoy being coupled up and that, but I miss you, mate.”

Sirius eyed him suspiciously.

“Alright, what do you want?” he asked abruptly. “If you’re after me covering Tuesday's shift with Moody then forget it.”

“Bloody hell, am I not allowed to miss my best mate?” James replied indignantly. “We did live together for seven years, you know!”

“Yeah, so I know YOU” Sirius replied, grinning. “You’re never this nice to me unless you want something. Spit it out.”

James looked annoyed for a second, but then seemed to give up on the pretence. He broke out into a grin and leaned in towards Sirius conspiratorially.

“Alright, fine” he said quickly. Sirius shook his head exasperatedly.

James looked at Sirius with great anticipation on his face and Sirius was actually intrigued. He looked at James with interest.

“Well?” he asked. James grinned even wider.

“I’m going to ask Lily to marry me” he said, beaming so much Sirius was surprised that the rain didn’t clear up immediately around them. Sirius stopped in his tracks staring blankly at him.

“You what?”

James merely nodded excitedly. Sirius felt like his brain was moving very slowly, trying to process this news. He continued to stare at James, waiting for further explanation.

“I need to get a ring. Will you help me pick one out?” James asked hopefully. Sirius raised an eyebrow at this.

“Because I have such fine taste in jewellery?” he asked nonplussed.

“Because you’re my best mate, you tit” James retorted. “I need some help here.”

“Ask McKinnon then, this is much more _her_ area” Sirius suggested.

“No, she’ll tell Lily, you know what those girls are like” James said shaking his head. “ _Please_ , this is important” he added, beseechingly. Sirius looked at him in silence for a second. He was wearing a pleading expression.

“Alright, fine” Sirius agreed begrudgingly, starting to walk again. “I still don’t know why ME though.”

“Because you’re going to be my best man, idiot” James told him. Sirius took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He felt like his head was spinning. This was huge. This was serious. And this was very, very grown up. Admittedly, Prongs had calmed down an awful lot since getting together with Lily, but Sirius still had trouble thinking of him as an _adult_. Hell, he had trouble thinking of any of them as adults.  

“Best man... Fuck...” he muttered absent-mindedly.

“Yeah, big responsibility” James said, grinning.

“This is assuming she says yes, of course” Sirius said playfully, looking sideways at James. He looked momentarily horror struck and Sirius laughed. Apparently the idea that she might say no had never even occurred to him.

“Of course she’ll say yes” James said dismissively, recovering quickly and running a hand through his hair making it stick up. Sirius laughed again.

“I dunno though...” Sirius mused. “Traipsing around town ring shopping with the resident queer... People will talk you know.”

“People have been talking about you and me for years” James grinned.

“Ha! As if I’d go out with a tosser like you” Sirius teased. “No offence, mate, but I prefer my men a bit more... wolfish.”

“I’ll tell him you said that” James said, mischievously. The smile slid from Sirius’s face.

“Maybe not tonight though, James” he said quietly. “He got laid off today.”

“Oh, fuck, really?”

Sirius nodded grimly.

“He told me not to say anything, but...” Sirius grimaced. “You know what he’s like.”

“How many times is that now? Four?” James asked seriously.

“Five” Sirius replied darkly. “I just don’t know what to do anymore, you know?”

They finally arrived at the chip shop. James held the door open and Sirius went in first, shaking his wet hair out of his face and placing their order. The two of them sank into some cheap plastic chairs to wait for the food.

“Sorry, to just drop that on you” Sirius said, with a grim smile. “You tell me this great news and I just...”

“Don’t apologise” James said, putting a consoling hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “I care about Moony too.”

Sirius smiled gratefully at him.

“He’s going to need some serious cheering up tonight” Sirius told James. “I reckon we should pick up some gin on the way back.”

“Best get some more cigs as well, if it’s going to be a big one” James grinned.

 

-

 

Sirius was getting himself a glass of water in James and Lily’s kitchen when he heard the door open behind him and someone slip inside. He surmised without turning around that it was Lily, as both James and Remus were smashed on gin and incapable of entering the room so quietly. He sipped the water as he turned around slowly, to see her smirking at him.

“You alright?” she asked calmly, lighting a cigarette and opening the kitchen window a crack to let the smoke out.

“Head’s spinning a bit” Sirius admitted, keeping the glass close to his lips. “I hate this muggle alcohol.”

“Lightweight” she grinned. Sirius smiled grimly back.

“Only on this stuff. I can drink firewhisky all night” he said, a little haughtily. Lily laughed.

“Yeah, but Moony gets to choose the drinks tonight” she replied. “Needs cheering up, doesn’t he?”

“He told you?” Sirius asked, even though he already knew the answer. He knew that Remus would have told Lily about losing his job when he and James went to the chippy. When he had asked Sirius not to say anything, it wasn’t because he wanted to keep it from them. He just didn’t want to spend all night talking about it.

“Course he did. I could see something was up” Lily said, matter-of-factly. “He’s always been shit at lying, hasn’t he?”

Sirius chuckled.

“About some things, yes” Sirius mused. It was funny, really, how expertly and effortlessly Remus could come up with an alibi for his absence around the full moon, or deny his involvement in a prank back at school. But yet when it came to telling a white lie about his feelings to his friends, he was an open book.

“And you told James, didn’t you?” she asked, without accusation. Sirius nodded.

“He knew you would” Lily added placidly. “It’s fine, he just doesn’t want it to be a big deal.”

“It kind of _is_ a big deal though, isn’t it?” Sirius sighed. Lily wrapped an arm round him and gave him a squeeze.

“I know” she said quietly. “It’s shit” she gave a long-suffering sort of sigh.

“But” she went on, gesturing with her cigarette. “The way things with the order are ramping up I don’t think any of us will be able to keep our jobs for much longer anyway. That’s what I told him. He can focus on the order for a bit. That will be better for him anyway, rather than being out there, up against it all the time.”

Sirius smiled as he considered this. Yes, it would do Remus a world of good to not have to think about employment for a while, but whilst still feeling like he was doing something useful.

“I don’t know what we ever did without you, Lils” Sirius said, mirroring her embrace so that they were stood side-by-side, arm-in-am. “How do you always fix everything so easily, like that?”

“Call it woman’s intuition” she smirked. “I know all you idiots inside out. It’s usually pretty easy to see what you need.”

“You’re the mother that the marauders always needed” Sirius agreed. Lily snorted.

At that moment there was an almighty crash from the living room, followed by a triumphant cheer from James. Lily went over to the door and opened it a crack to peer through.

“Well, there goes the table…” she said flatly, but didn’t look particularly annoyed as she rejoined Sirius by the sink.

“Maruader’s  mother, eh?” she mused, stubbing her cigarette end out in an ashtray on the windowsill. “Hmm, should’ve checked the fine print on that one. If only I’d known that dating James meant taking on you lot, I might not have bothered” she grinned. “Euphemia really had her work cut out for her, didn’t she?”

Sirius’s smile faltered, and Lily gave him another squeeze, smiling consolingly.

They had barely been a month out of Hogwarts when Mr and Mrs Potter had both contracted dragon pox. The decline in their health had been a slow one, so James and Sirius were both able to say a proper goodbye, and to make their peace with what was happening (as much as anyone ever can, in that sort of situation). The Potters had been in good spirits to the very end, assuring both James and Sirius that it was OK and that their only regrets were not being able to be with James and Sirius for longer. They had both passed on the same night, peacefully, in their sleep.

The marauders had all been devastated of course. James had taken it as well as anybody could possibly expect. His eternal good nature and optimism prevented the depression and bitterness from consuming him. Sirius had no such inherent positivity to fall back on, but Remus had coaxed him through the worst of it, and somehow Sirius had come out the other side able to recognise that he was lucky ever to have known them, even if his time with the Potters was too short. The intensity of the grief had lessened over time and most days now he got by without thinking about it at all. But he didn’t think there would ever be a day where thinking about what he had lost would be anything other than agony.

“Hey, and she was glad to do it. You know that, right?” Lily added. Sirius felt his frown soften.

“I know” he replied simply. A long silence passed before Sirius added, quietly. “I miss her. I miss them both.”

“I know, love” Lily replied gently, resting her head on the inside of his shoulder. “James does too.”

Sirius smiled a little as he thanked the gods that he still had James. And Lily, for that matter.

“Come on” Sirius said. “We’d better get back in there, before they wreck the place” he said, nodding towards the kitchen door.

Lily went through it first and Sirius followed, to find both James and Remus in hysterics as they drunkenly tried to fix the table. Judging by the fact that James had a deep graze on his arm he had either fallen off it or crashed into it. Sirius grinned as he went to go and help, ruffling Remus’s hair affectionately as he sat on the sofa beside him.

 

-

 

Sirius fell forwards out of the fireplace onto his hands and knees on the floor back in their flat. Remus was right behind him and tripped over Sirius as he stumbled out of the grate himself. He fell flat on the floor, pulling Sirius down with him so the two were lying in a heap. Sirius was laughing his head off as Remus looked confusedly around, as though unsure what had just happened.

“Moony, you’re drunk” Sirius told him affectionately, fully aware of how much he was slurring his own words.

“Says you!” Remus replied indignantly, rolling onto his back and pulling Sirius on top of him. Sirius leant down for a kiss.

“Mmmm, I like you like this” Sirius hummed as he pulled back and Remus smiled lazily up at him.

“What, pissed?” Remus smirked.

“No” Sirius chuckled, putting a hand to Remus’s face and stroking his cheek with his thumb. “Not worrying so much.”

“I think it’s the only way to make my brain be quiet anymore” Remus said thoughtfully. “Drown it in gin...”

“I don’t know how you drink this shit all the time” Sirius said, stretching his jaw experimentally. “I can’t feel my face.”

Remus laughed, pulling Sirius down for another kiss.

“That’s the point” Remus said earnestly. “Not like mead, or firewhisky. You _feel_ it. It’s like a slap in the face.”

“And you like that, do you?” Sirius asked, amused.

“Well...” Remus looked thoughtful for a second and then gave Sirius a wickedly mischievous grin. “I have been known to enjoy such... activities. You know, in the right context.”

“You what?” Sirius demanded, as Remus stretched back and put an arm under his head, closing his eyes. Sirius gave him a shake to stop him from falling asleep. He couldn’t just bloody go to sleep after saying something like that!

“Who slapped you in the face, Moony? Because it wasn’t bloody me!”

“Wha...?” Remus looked confusedly at him.

“Who slapped you?! Not that muggle guy? Or Prewett?! Good Lord, please don’t tell me it was Prewett!”

“Sirius” Remus said gently, smiling as he grabbed hold of Sirius’s head with both his hands. “I didn’t mean that literally. No-one has slapped me in the face... Well, actually Lily did once, but not in a sexy way. She was mad.”

Remus released him and Sirius laughed.

“Remus Lupin, you’re going to be the death of me” he growled, ducking his head down to bite Remus’s neck. Remus took a sharp inhale.

“Hmm, now _that’s_ what I was talking about” Remus said, tilting his head back and roughly pulling Sirius closer. Sirius chuckled again as he peppered Remus’s jaw with kisses.

“I love you so fucking much” Sirius whispered, pulling back again to look at him. Remus was looking happier than Sirius had seen him in a long time, his arms hung loosely around Sirius’s neck and a carefree smile on his face. Sirius felt a slight pang of sadness as he wished he could make Remus this happy without _drowning him in gin,_ as he had so eloquently put it.

“Stop it” Remus scolded him. “You’re worrying about something. We’re not going to be worried tonight. That’s why we had so much to drink.”

“Yes _sir_ ” Sirius smirked, pushing the sad thoughts to the back of his mind and kissing Remus on the lips again.


	3. Shopping

“OK, tell me again what was wrong with the goblin-made rings” Sirius asked, forcing his voice to be calm but pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. They had been shopping for over an hour now. Well, the word shopping would imply that one of them had actually bought something. What they had actually been doing for the past hour was traipsing around jewellery shops with James driving Sirius further and further up the wall with his impossible standards. They were now wandering aimlessly around Diagon Alley, looking for another ring store that they hadn’t already been in.

 “Something about being goblin made just seems so...” James squirmed uncomfortably. “I dunno, they’re not exactly elegant, are they? Lily’s ring should be elegant. She’s elegant, isn’t she?”

Sirius just stared at him flatly. He didn’t even know how to respond to that.

“Look, I know this is stressing you out” James said gesturing wildly. “But it’s stressing me out too. This is SO important, Pads, I _can’t_ fuck this up.” James ran a hand backwards through his hair in frustration and Sirius softened in spite of himself.

“Alright” he sighed. “Why don’t we try some muggle shops?”

James lit up.

“Of course!” he cried, slapping Sirius on the arm. “Muggle shops. She’s muggle born, isn’t she? I forget, sometimes” he grinned, shaking his head.

“You forget?” Sirius asked incredulously.

“Yeah, don’t you?” James replied, turning down a side street in the direction of the Leaky Cauldron.

“Well, I guess, but she’s not my wife-to-be, is she?” Sirius shrugged. “That’d be like me forgetting Moony’s furry little problem.”

James frowned in confusion at this.

“I forget that sometimes too” he said. “I mean, you’re not thinking about it all the time, are you?”

“Well, I suppose not” Sirius mused. “But I’ve never _forgot_. It’s part of who he is, isn’t it?”

“How is he? After the other night?” James asked. Sirius shrugged.

“Better, actually” he replied. “He’s picked up a load of extra shifts for the-“ Sirius caught himself before he said ‘the order’ and cleared his throat abruptly. “For Dumbledore.”

“That’s good” James said.

They both stopped talking as they entered the Leaky Cauldron. It was unwise to discuss anything related to the order (or indeed to Remus's condition) where they might be overheard. The atmosphere inside the pub was a stark reminder of how times had changed. When they had come through here in the past it was always bustling full of a variety of people, happily chatting away. Now the place was relatively deserted, and the few occupants were sat close together in their groups, talking quietly and looking furtively around. Sirius recognised Gideon Prewett sat in one corner, peering surreptitiously around the bar over the top of his book, obviously on duty for the order. However neither Sirius or James greeted him, as it wouldn’t be a good idea to draw attention to the fact that they knew each other, in case anyone started to wonder how they had met.

Surveillance in the Leaky Cauldron was a rotating shift that they all picked up from time to time, and it was extremely boring. They _had_ to keep an eye on it, since it was basically the busiest portal between wizarding and muggle worlds in the whole of London. But the fact that it was such a high traffic area made it very unlikely anyone would be doing or talking about anything shady in there.

Sirius and James walked in silence out in the muggle world. The general atmosphere out on this side was much more pleasant, with noisy crowds of muggles everywhere. They had no idea that there was a war on, and were happily going about their business. Sirius looked up and down the busy high street, scouting for a jewellery shop, as he didn’t particularly know his way around muggle London. Before he managed to get his bearings however, he was distracted by a large group of girls walking past, one of them smiling flirtatiously at him. Sirius instinctively winked back and the girl broke off from the group to approach him.

“You lost, darlin’?” she asked, in a thick cockney accent. One of her friends stopped to wait for her, looking exasperated. Sirius glanced back at James, who was looking equally unimpressed.

“My mate's looking to buy an engagement ring” Sirius grinned, pulling James forward. “Don’t suppose you could point us towards a jewellery shop?”

“Inside the shopping centre over there’s your best bet” the girl's friend called over. “Come on, Stacy, they’re leaving without us” she added, sounding annoyed, gesturing towards the rest of the group of girls, who were indeed still walking away, as though they hadn’t even noticed they were missing a couple.

“Looks like I’ve got to run” Stacy told Sirius, looking disappointed. “Maybe see you around later though? We’ll be around Convent Gardens” she smiled hopefully.

“Thanks for the invite, but he has plans with his boyfriend tonight” James interjected, starting to walk off and attempting to drag Sirius along with him by the hand. Sirius saw the girl's expression turn thunderous and decided to trot along after James, offering her a sympathetic smile. This only seemed to enrage her even more.

“Fucking poofs!” she yelled after them, before storming away to rejoin her friends.

“Thank you, for THAT” Sirius said deadpan to James, quickly pulling his hand away as people were starting to stare. Sirius didn’t particularly care what anyone thought, but he also didn’t really want to cause a scene, especially not this close to where another order member was on stakeout. Dumbledore would string him up at the next meeting for brawling with muggles right outside Diagon Alley. “You know you can’t just say shit like that to muggles” he reminded James. “They really don’t like the gay thing.”

“Well they should learn to” James replied dismissively. “Anyway, we might never have got rid of her otherwise. I can’t believe you’re still doing that.” James laughed a little, shaking his head.

“Doing what?” Sirius asked defensively.

“Flirting with muggle girls” James grinned. “What would Moony say?”

“He’d laugh at me twice as much as you and call me a twat, probably” Sirius shrugged, smiling in spite of himself. “I dunno, it’s just an old habit, isn’t it?”

“But why?” James asked, looking genuinely confused. “Have you not always been gay?”

“I dunno” Sirius replied, a little taken aback by the question. He’d never really thought about _why_ he did it. “I mean, yeah, I suppose I have. But it’s just easy, isn’t it? Flirting with girls.”

“It is when they look at you like that” James snorted. “It’s no wonder it took me so long to get a girlfriend, being in your shadow my whole life...”

“Please” Sirius smirked. “It took you forever to get a girl because you’re a complete knob, that’s why.”

“So are you, but they’re still all over you” James countered without missing a beat. Sirius laughed.

“Dunno what to tell you mate. Maybe it’s a wanting-what-they-can’t-have kind of thing.”

“By that reckoning they should be all over me now too. I’ve been off the market for ages.”

“Hmm, maybe after you’re actually married...”

“Sirius” James said thoughtfully. “Do you think I’m making a mistake? Proposing to Lily?”

“You what?” Sirius spluttered, surprised by the abruptness of this question.

“Do you think I’m rushing into it?” James went on, looking rather pained. “You’ve been a bit... off... about the whole thing. And I know we haven’t been together for that long but it just feels right. I love her and I’ve never wanted to be with anyone else.”

“I don’t think it’s a mistake” Sirius told him earnestly. “And honestly mate, I think all normal rules about how long you’re supposed to wait and that are out of the window, given that we could all die tomorrow.”

“Yeah” James agreed a little breathlessly.

“Sorry if I’ve been weird about it” Sirius added. “It’s just... The whole thing IS a bit weird to me. I feel like we only left school five minutes ago and now suddenly we’re like...” he tailed off, unable to articulate the general sense of having no idea what he was doing with his life whilst everyone else seemed to be expecting him to be an adult.

“Yeah I know, mate. We’re on our own” James said consolingly. “But that’s exactly the point. With my parents gone it’s like... Lily is my family now. So we should be a proper family, shouldn’t we?”

Sirius didn’t quite know what to say to that. He understood all too well that desperate longing for _family_. That was exactly why he and James had been attached at the hip for so many years.

“Hey. You’re my family too, I haven’t forgotten that” James told him firmly. Sirius smiled.

“I know that. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

They walked in silence for a short while before finally spotting a jewellery shop. James pressed his face up against the window, scrutinizing the display of engagement rings, but his expression did not suggest that he saw anything he liked. Sirius looked around the street in a bored manner, watching the  crowds of muggles go past. In amongst them, he spotted a young man around their age walking along with an older woman who was probably his mother, carrying a load of bags for her. An idea struck him.

“Prongs...” he ventured slowly, turning back to James, who was looking stressed again. “Your family were rich, right?” James laughed in response.

“Um, yeah, I suppose so. Why, do you need something?”

Sirius shook his head.

“No, I’m just thinking... You probably have a Gringotts vault full of heirlooms, right? Like your mum’s and grandmother’s old jewellery, for example?”

James looked rather confused about this for a minute.

“Are you suggesting I give my future wife a second hand ring?” he asked, sounding unimpressed. Sirius smacked him lightly on the back of the head.

“I’m suggesting you give her a Potter family heirloom, you idiot” he replied. “What better way to ask her to be part of the family than that?”

James scowled at Sirius rubbing the back of his head, even though the slap couldn’t possibly have really hurt. He looked like he was considering the suggestion though.

“That’s actually not a terrible idea...” he admitted.

“I don’t know why you’re surprised” Sirius smirked. “I’m full of good idea-“

“AVADA KEDAVRA!”

There was a sudden flash of green light and a loud crash as the shop window in front of them shattered. Sirius immediately drew his wand and spun around, looking up and down the street. It was chaos. People were running in every direction and screaming. There were a couple of bodies on the ground. Sirius was squinting through the crowds, searching frantically for someone wearing a cloak or holding a wand, but he couldn't see anything.

“Sirius!” James yelled, pulling him backwards. James vaulted through the broken window into the shop and Sirius followed, both of them crouching below the window sill and peering over it back out into the street.

“What the fuck?!“ Sirius hissed, still trying to see what was going on.

“I don’t know, I don’t see anyone” James replied desperately.

“AVADA KEDAVRA.” Another flash of green light. More screaming. Sirius threw a couple of stunning spells in the general direction of where the curse had come from. A few muggles dropped to the floor, clearing the view enough for both James and Sirius to spot a hooded figure a short distance away.

They acted in unison, firing a variety of spells at the death eater, who was blocking them and firing a series of counter curses their way. Neither James nor Sirius were strangers to duelling, and they had been put through vigorous combat training by Alastor Moody, the auror who was a senior member of the order of the phoenix. But this was the first time they had had to fight for their lives. What the hell were the death eaters doing, attacking out here in broad daylight?

Yes, death eaters, plural. Another one had seemingly appeared out of nowhere and joined the fight. Sirius just barely dodged a spell from them which grazed his cheek, leaving behind what felt like a serious burn.

As he was retaliating, he saw Gideon Prewett advancing behind the death eaters, running towards the scene. Gideon managed to hit one of them with a stunning spell, and the hooded figure collapsed to the ground. However before anyone else had the chance to do anything, there was a huge explosion which sent Sirius flying sideways.

He blinked heavily, trying to clear his blurry vision, only vaguely aware that he was lying on the ground. His brain felt like it was working very slowly, trying to make sense of what had happened. He appeared to be lying in a pile of broken glass, rubble and general debris. There was a loud ringing in his ears, but he could still faintly hear screaming in the background. He tasted blood in his mouth.

He tried to get up, but his limbs were heavy and uncooperative. His forearms were shaking violently as he tried to prop himself up. Where were the death eaters? What was happening? Where was James?

Suddenly someone was pulling him up into a sitting position. Gideon Prewett came into focus in front of him and Sirius tried to ask him what was happening, but no sound seemed to be coming out of his mouth. Now Gideon was moving his mouth, looking like he was yelling something, but all Sirius could hear was the ringing.

“JAMES” Sirius yelled back, unable to hear himself and having no idea whether Gideon could hear him either. “WHERE’S JAMES?”

Gideon looked away from him and Sirius felt himself sink back down to the floor. The edges of his vision were fading to black, and the last thing he saw before losing consciousness was the blurry figure of Albus Dumbledore sweeping through the scene in front of him.


	4. Meeting

Lily had just got back from the pharmacy when she got the message. A phoenix patronus appeared in her living room and told her there was to be an emergency order meeting, causing her to drop the bag she was holding in shock. This was bad news. Something must have happened. Where was James? He and Sirius had been out by themselves today…

Lily ignored the bile rising in her throat as she quickly picked up the bag off the floor. She stashed it under the sofa before disapparating without further ado, straight into headquarters. She arrived in the dining room, to find about half a dozen people already there, including James who was sat in a chair while Moody healed some sort of deep cut on his eye. James also had one arm in a sort of amateur sling, made out of what looked like a torn piece of robe. Lily felt a strange surge of relief, that he was at least alive, but it was immediately followed by a second (albeit smaller) wave of panic as she took stock of his injuries.

“Oh my god! What happened?!” she demanded, rushing over to get a closer look.

“Death eaters, in muggle London” James told her darkly. “Ambushed us.”

“WHAT?!”

“We’ll go through it all when everyone is here” Moody said sharply without looking at her, his beady eyes focused on James. Lily glared at him.

“Where’s Sirius?” she asked James, ignoring Moody and taking another glance around the room in case she had missed him. No, he wasn’t there.

“Mungos” James said quietly, soliciting another ‘WHAT' from Lily.

“He’s OK, just banged up a bit. Remus is with him” James assured her. Lily felt a similar sensation of relief, followed by renewed worry again.

“We’ll go through it when everyone is here” Moody repeated irritably. Lily felt like kicking him, but refrained from asking any further questions, knowing that it was counter productive.

She heard someone apparate in the hallway, and turned around just as Dumbledore strode gracefully into the room. She recognised his robes as being made from the same material that James’s sling was cut from.

“Speaking of Lupin” Moody growled, addressing Dumbledore. “Do I have to go down there and drag him back myself?”

“Remus will be along momentarily” Dumbledore replied calmly before surveying the room. “Any word from Edgar?”

“Can’t get away without arising suspicion” Moody told him. “I’ll debrief him later.”

Edgar Bones worked with Moody in the auror department. It was rare that the two of them ever attended the same meeting, as it would have been difficult to explain where they kept disappearing to together. Especially with the auror department run of it’s feet trying to round up the death eaters.

Lily took a seat at the table and tried to wait patiently, but she couldn’t sit still. Her stomach was squirming and her mind was buzzing with the thousands of questions she was dying to ask. She didn’t have too long to wait though, as a couple of minutes later Remus appeared, apparating into the hallway as Dumbledore had done and walking slowly into the room looking rather vacant, his mind clearly elsewhere.

“Remus” Lily said softly, jumping up to go and give him a hug. He didn’t respond, merely standing still while she clung to his tense body.

“He’s going to be alright” she said a little uncertainly, pulling back to look him in the eye. Remus understood that this was a question, and not the comforting statement she had tried to make it sound like. He nodded mutely.

The last couple of people (including Peter, who ran straight over to James just as Lily had done) appeared not long after this, and Dumbledore called the meeting to order. Lily resumed her seat at the table, holding onto Remus’s hand underneath it. James stood at the front with Dumbledore and Gideon Prewett (who presumably had also been involved, somehow). Dumbledore opened by thanking them all for their presence and apologising for the inconvenience of this last-minute meeting, but he said today’s incident suggested a powerful shift in Voldemort’s strategy and method of operations, and they needed to discuss it as a matter of urgency.

Lily leaned forward slightly, listening with rapt attention. Dumbledore hadn’t been their headmaster for a little over a year now, but she didn’t think she would ever stop seeing him as a figure of great authority. He had such a commanding presence. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Lily felt some of he tension melt out of her as he spoke. She knew that as long as he was around, they were all in good hands.

He asked James to recount to them all what had happened. Lily squeezed Remus's hand under the table as he spoke, her other hand resting on her stomach.

“Me and Sirius were out” he hesitated for a fraction of a second, glancing towards Lily and Remus “shopping.” Lily felt a sudden wild urge to laugh. She knew that James had been helping Sirius find something for Remus’s birthday. It was so typical of James, in the aftermath of being attacked by death eaters to be concerned about ruining Remus’s birthday surprise, of all things.

“We went out into the muggle world. We were barely two minutes away from the Leaky Cauldron, busy streets full of muggles...” James tailed off with a rather hollow look in his eyes. Gideon gave him a grim smile and James cleared his throat. “Then we heard someone cast the killing curse. It missed us, I don’t know by how much, but it broke the window we were stood next to so it must have been aimed at us. We couldn’t see anyone at first, people were running everywhere. Then there were two death eaters on us. Hoods, masks, we couldn’t tell who it was” James shook his head, looking suddenly very weary and much older. Remus’s hand twitched and Lily realised how tightly she was grasping it, her fingernails digging into his skin. She hastily released him.

“I was on duty in the Cauldron” Gideon ventured, and all eyes turned to him. “We heard the screaming so I ran out to see what was happening. There were bodies on the ground, I didn’t know what was happening, but I managed to stun one of the death eaters from behind. But, I don’t know, maybe there was a third somewhere, because the building next to where James and Sirius were exploded. I had to take cover and when I came out the death eaters were both gone” Gideon looked rather pleadingly at all of them. Fabian, his twin brother, spoke up.

“We know you did the best you could, Gid.” A few people murmured noises of assent.

“It’s the oldest trick in the book” Moody growled. “Create a diversion so the ones in the middle can get away. There was a third. There’s always a third.” Gideon looked devastated and James clapped a supportive hand on his shoulder. Moody evidently realised how accusatory his tone had been, as he added “Nothing you could have done, Black and Potter needed the back-up.”

“It’s true” James agreed. “We were just barely holding our own. Besides, Gid was only there for five seconds before the explosion went off.” James looked to Remus, apologetically. “Sirius was closer to the blast than I was, so he got the worst of it.”

“Sirius is currently recovering in St Mungos” Dumbledore interjected, in response to the alarmed looks around the table. “He will be back on his feet in no time.” Lily felt a hand reaching for the one that was resting on her stomach. Peter was sat on her other side, and she took hold of his hand, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

“How many civilian casualties?” Fabian asked gravely.

“Five” Dumbledore answered. There were a couple of shocked gasps. Moody let out an angry grunt. “And a great deal more injured in the explosion. The ministry are on the scene as we speak, cleaning up.”

A heavy silence followed, in which Lily felt slightly sick again.

“But WHY?” Marlene McKinnon burst out. “In broad daylight, so close to Diagon Alley? They must have known we’d be on them in minutes.”

“Element of surprise” Moody offered. “Worked, didn’t it? They got away well enough.”

“But a totally unprovoked attack...” Fabian scowled. “On two junior members of the order, not even on duty at the time. Risking capture...” he shook his head. “Seems reckless. Why bother?”

“That, is the question, isn’t it?” Dumbledore replied enigmatically, before surveying James carefully.

“Can you think of any reason why Sirius or yourself might be targeted?” he asked, looking at James over the top of his glasses. James ruffled his hair up, looking like he was thinking hard.

“Beyond the obvious, no” he replied. “Everyone knows the Potters wanted nothing to do with the sacred 28. And Sirius... well, we all know his story.”

“Voldemort values pure bloodlines over anything else” Gideon chimed in. Lily knew that the Prewett family belonged to the sacred 28, as the subject often came up at order meetings. He and his brother had both been approached by Voldemort himself many years ago, trying to recruit them. “It seems unlikely he’d just want to kill them without even trying to turn them first. Especially Black.”

Lily sensed Remus shuffle uncomfortably in his seat next to her, and immediately understood his discomfort. None of them particularly liked to remember what Sirius had been born into. What he might have been.

“Unless he already has assurance that Sirius cannot be turned” Dumbledore pronounced. A few people shared uneasy looks, including Remus and James. Peter squeezed Lily’s hand tighter.  

“What are you suggesting?” Alice Longbottom asked nervously. Dumbledore exchanged a significant look with Moody.

“I see two possibilities” Moody growled. “Both of which, let me assure you, I will be investigating at length.” There was another loaded silence, in which they all waited for him to go on, while he looked around the room, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Potter, Lupin” he barked, suddenly, eyeing them both. “Tell me what you remember of young Regulus Black.”

Lily’s mouth fell open in shock, while Remus and James both looked very uneasy.

“Not much” Remus replied first, his voice coming out quite croaky. He cleared his throat. “We only ever met him in passing. Usually in the culmination of some sort of argument between Sirius and himself.”

“The last time they spoke was two years ago” James added. “They had a huge row in which they both basically disowned each other.”

“Why?” Moody asked abruptly. Remus and James both frowned at each other in confusion. Lily understood. To anyone who knew Sirius, this was a stupid question. A more appropriate question might have been, why did it take so long?

“Because Sirius didn’t want to be the heir to the house of Black” Remus told him, still frowning. “And Regulus did.”

“And what does that mean to you? Being the _heir to the house of Black_?” Moody probed.

“Marrying your cousin and campaigning to have muggle rights revoked” James replied flippantly. Moody scowled at his tone, but he was barking up the wrong tree if he wanted any sort of sensible or rational answer from James regarding the house of Black. James detested them even more than Sirius did, having witnessed first hand what they had done to his best friend.

“So you’re saying that being the Black heir inherently involves some degree of affiliation with keeping bloodlines pure?” Moody asked. Both Gideon and Fabian sniggered and Moody turned towards them looking very annoyed.

“Their house motto is ‘ _toujours pur'_ ” Fabian told him.

“I’m not asking you, Prewett” Moody growled. He turned his attention back to James. “I’m asking you, Potter. And Lupin. Does the Black boy actually buy into it?”

James looked helplessly at Remus.

“It’s never been very clear” Remus answered very slowly, as if carefully considering his words. “If you asked Sirius he would say no. But I don’t think his judgement is entirely objective.” Remus looked pensive for a moment, before going on. “Regulus is homophobic. That’s always been a bone of contention between them. But we also have reason to believe he knows about my... condition... which he’s never said a word about.” Remus looked around the room uncomfortably, as a few people who weren’t privy to Remus’s secret looked at him with interest.  

“But as far as the bloodline thing goes, I don’t know” he went on, addressing Moody again. “At school he hung around with people who we know are death eaters now. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he went that way too.”

“This row, was that the last contact they had?” Moody asked both him and James.

“Yes” James replied with certainty. “Their father died a few months ago and Sirius found out from the newspaper. He was furious that Regulus never contacted him about it.”

Moody sat silently, considering this for a moment.

“In your opinion” he asked slowly. “Would Regulus sell his brother to the death eaters, under sufficient pressure?”

Remus and James looked at each other again, darkly. Lily didn’t envy either of them, having to give an opinion on such a matter. James was the first to speak.

“I think maybe, yes” he said quietly. “Under pressure.”

Moody gave a curt nod and turned his attention to Remus, who was looking very troubled. A long silence passed before Moody prompted him.

“Lupin?”

Remus shook his head.

“I really don’t know” he admitted. “And I don’t want to guess.”

Moody gave another nod and stood up, shuffling to the front of the room, his wooden leg clunking on the floor. James looked extremely relieved that the interrogation was over and sank into Moody’s vacant seat.

“Very well” Moody said. “I’ll take that under advisement and I’ll be speaking to Sirius tomorrow.”

Remus and James looked at each other again, and once again, Lily knew exactly what they were thinking. Sirius wasn’t going to like this one bit.

“You said there were two possibilities?” Alice spoke up again and all eyes went back to Moody. Moody looked back around at them all and began slowly walking in a wide circle around the table, in a rather dramatic fashion. Lily could tell that whatever option number two was, it was _bad_. They all waited on tenterhooks for him to speak.

“For all of your sakes, you’d better hope that Voldermort’s source is Black’s brother” Moody growled. Peter squeezed Lily’s hand again. Lily locked eyes with James across the table, his expression mirroring the anxiety she felt.

“Because if it isn’t” Moody went on. “Then it’s someone in this room.”


	5. Loyalty

Remus had gone straight back to Sirius’s bedside as soon as the meeting was over. Everything Moody had said was rattling around in the back of his brain somewhere, but he just couldn’t seem to find it important right now. Nothing else was important so long as Sirius was lying unconscious in a hospital bed.

Dumbledore had managed to wrangle him a private room in the hospital, with a member of the order stationed outside at all times (currently Gideon Prewett, who was apparently still feeling somewhat guilty about not having prevented the explosion from happening). The healers had patched Sirius up no problem, fixing his broken bones and healing his burns. But he still hadn’t woken up, and Remus couldn’t bear to be anywhere else until he did. He had pulled a chair up as close to Sirius’s bed as he could get it, and he sat there holding onto Sirius’s hand for what must have been hours. The sky had turned dark outside, but no-one had come to ask him to leave. Probably Dumbledore again, making sure they weren’t disturbed.

Remus wasn’t as unnerved by hospitals as most people, having visited some form of hospital or local healer once a month for pretty much his entire life. Back at school he used to get so exasperated with his friends, Sirius especially, for kicking up such a fuss every time he was in the hospital wing overnight. When it came to broken bones and the like the healers could easily fix pretty much anything. The body just needed rest afterwards, that was all. So when the healers at St Mungos had told him Sirius was fine, Remus believed them. He wasn’t concerned about Sirius’s recovery. He was concerned about what it was that had put him in this hospital bed in the first place. He was concerned about how easily it could happen again. And how Sirius might come away with more than just broken bones next time.  

In his lowest moments, Remus sometimes thought about running away. About him and Sirius taking off in the middle of the night and never looking back. Living out the rest of their days in some remote, foreign place. Never again concerning themselves with anything other than loving each other.

It was an idle fantasy of course. They could never actually do it. Not least because if they did leave, and then James died, or Lily, or Peter, then it would be their fault for not staying to protect them. So then Remus thought about all of them leaving together. The whole Marauders family packing up and starting off somewhere new. But that could never work either. Because there would be other deaths on their conscience. Every order member who didn’t make it back from a mission. Every muggle who was senselessly slaughtered. If they left, then this would be on them. That was why they were in the order in the first place. To stop these awful things from happening. To stand up for what was right.

But it was hard to keep sight of that sometimes, in the face of losing the person you love most in the world.

“Rem” Sirius’s voice was soft and quiet, slightly hoarse, but it still made Remus jump out of his skin. He had been looking down at Sirius’s hand, grasped in between both of his own. He looked up now to Sirius’s face which was creased with worry.

“Darling, what’s the matter” Sirius asked softly, lifting his other hand to gently wipe the tears from Remus’s cheeks. Remus chuckled thickly, wiping his nose hurriedly on the back of his hand and shaking his head.

“ _What’s the matter,_ he asks” Remus laughed, still unable to stop crying. “You’re lying in a hospital bed, you fucking prick.”

“M'alright though, aren’t I?” Sirius said consolingly. His overconfidence was astounding sometimes. Presumably the last thing he remembered was either duelling with death eaters or being in the middle of an explosion. Yet here he was, assuring Remus that he was fine, despite all evidence to the contrary.

“Yeah, you’re OK” Remus told him. “This time.” He screwed up his face, barely holding back a sob.

“Hey” Sirius frowned, tugging on Remus’s hand and curling a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Remus got out of his chair and allowed Sirius to pull him forward, half slumping over the bed. The second Sirius’s arms closed around him he broke down completely, sobbing into Sirius’s chest.

“Hey” Sirius said again, softly. “Shhh, it’s alright, love. Everything will be alright. I’ve got you.”   

“I can’t... I can’t...” Remus stammered. He didn’t even know what the end of that sentence was. I can’t stop crying? I can’t stand the thought of losing you?

“I know” Sirius replied simply, running his fingers gently through Remus’s hair. Remus heard the door click open behind him, followed by a surprised ‘oh' from Gideon.

“We're alright” Remus heard Sirius tell him calmly, before the door closed again. Remus continued to cry on Sirius, too upset to even care how embarrassing that was.  

Sirius continued to hold him tightly. His touch and his soothing whispers had a calming effect, and Remus’s huge sobs eventually subsided into sniffles.

“Sorry, for scaring you” Sirius muttered into the top of Remus’s head, peppering his forehead with kisses.

“S’not your fault” Remus replied, lifting his head and perching into a seated position on the edge of the bed, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his jumper. “I blame Prongs” he added with a shaky laugh. Sirius’s worried expression lightened and he smiled back.

“I take it he’s alright?” Sirius asked. “Since you’re crying over me being fine then nothing bad really happened, right?”

Remus looked away.

“James is fine but five muggles died. The death eaters got away.”

Sirius put a hand on Remus’s face, turning it back towards him, giving him a grim smile. Remus stared back at him, not knowing what to say.

“Prongs never did get his engagement ring” Sirius offered. Remus gave a sort of half-laugh. “I told him to just give her his mum’s old ring or something. That's better anyway, right?”

“I bet he was a nightmare, wasn’t he?” Remus smiled, taking Sirius’s hand and interlacing their fingers.

“Christ, you should have heard him” Sirius replied, with a bark-like laugh. “I’ve never met a straight man with such strong opinions about goblin made jewellery.”

“Yeah well, he’s always been a bit of a prat when it comes to Lily, hasn’t he?” Remus grinned. “I tell you what, this wedding is going to be the funniest thing that's ever happened.”

“Correction. This _stag do_ is going to be the funniest thing that’s ever happened” Sirius said with a wicked grin. Remus laughed and Sirius’s mischievous smile turned into one of affection.

“You see” Sirius added. “If nothing else at least we can still have a good laugh.”

“At Prongs’s expense, of course” Remus smiled.

“Of course” Sirius agreed. “What do you think I’ve kept him around all this time for?”

“Because no one else will put up with your shit?” Remus suggested playfully.

“Completely untrue” Sirius countered. “YOU put up with more of my shit than anyone.”

“Yeah, well, I have the incentive of sex with you, don't I?” Remus replied lazily, causing Sirius to sputter in surprise. Remus grinned. “What does James get in return for putting up with you, I’d like to know?”  

“Fucked if I know” Sirius laughed. “I’ve been asking myself that for years. You, on the other hand, keep me around for more than just my amazing skills in the bedroom. You’d still love me even if the death eaters cursed my cock off.”

This time it was Remus’s turn to splutter in a flustered manner. Sirius laughed even harder.

“It’s been three years, but I can still make you blush” he grinned, gently brushing Remus's hair out of his face.

“That’s because you’re shameless” Remus replied, shaking his head in exasperation. “And for the record, yes, I would still love you, but you’d find it much harder to keep me on side.”

“Noted” Sirius said happily, pulling Remus towards him for a kiss. Remus leaned into him as their lips touched and Sirius pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. They were both breathing heavily when they parted.

“You know, when I met you, you were so shy and sweet” Sirius said, his voice coming out low and husky. “Who’d have guessed what a sexual deviant you’d turn out to be?”

“Says the man trying to seduce me from his hospital bed” Remus smirked. Sirius winked ostentatiously and Remus laughed.

“Shameless” Remus scolded him in an amused way. Sirius tried to pull him back for another kiss, but they both sprung apart as they heard the door open again.

“Oh, er, sorry” Gideon said a little awkwardly, evidently meaning they hadn’t sprung apart quite quickly enough. “Just letting you know we’re changing shifts. Frank’s taking over for the night and then Moody’s coming first thing in the morning.” Gideon gave Remus a rather serious look as he mentioned Moody’s name and Remus’s heart sank as he realised he was going to have to tell Sirius what was coming.

“Alright, thanks” Remus replied, giving him a nod.

“Cheers mate” Sirius added jovially. “And hey, knock next time would you?”

Gideon laughed in a disbelieving sort of way, while Remus elbowed a delighted looking Sirius in the ribs.

“Yeah, will do” Gideon said amusedly as he left the room, closing the door again behind him.

“What did you say _that_ for?” Remus hissed at Sirius, who was still looking like he wanted to laugh.

“Well, there was no point pretending, was there? He _saw_ us” Sirius shrugged. Remus sighed in exasperation.

Remus and Sirius weren’t exactly public with their relationship. Everyone knew that Sirius was gay of course, he had never in his life tried to hide it, and it was certainly no secret amongst the Pureblood families that this was the final straw that had led to him being disowned by his parents. Remus didn’t lie to anyone about his sexuality, but he didn’t ever bring it up either. He already faced enough adversity being a werewolf, he didn’t want to spend his entire life being discriminated against for this as well. Just as certain order members knew about Remus’s lycanthropy and others didn’t, only some of them were privy to Remus and Sirius’s relationship. Dumbledore knew, of course. He had never explicitly said so, but of course he knew. He seemed to know everything, intelligent as he was and exceptionally good at reading people. He had called Remus personally from the hospital and allowed him to come and visit Sirius before the meeting – a privilege that Moody certainly hadn’t planned on extending to him, by all accounts.

Remus was quite sure that Moody knew too, since he was equally as good at reading people as Dumbledore, and took a professional interest in gathering as much information about all of the order members as he could. But besides that there was only Marlene, and of course the other marauders. Remus often thought that people must wonder, given that they all knew that Sirius was gay and that he and Remus lived together. But he just didn’t feel comfortable with everyone in the order knowing about it. Not least because some of them might think less of Sirius, for being in a relationship with a werewolf. But also because it had always been something that was just between them. Something personal. Private. Special. Something to be protected.

“Remus, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m pretty sure Gid and Fab both already know you shag men” Sirius told him, doing a very poor job of hiding how funny he found the whole situation. “You did get off with their brother, remember?”

Remus frowned.

“I see what you mean about how bloody incestuous these Pureblood families are” he muttered. “You’re all fucking related to each other, aren’t you?”

“Yep, pretty much” Sirius replied, sounding extremely unconcerned. “That’s why I found me a nice half-blood man. We’re probably not from the same gene pool.”

Remus grimaced distastefully at this and Sirius laughed.

“But never mind that. Tell me, why am I in trouble with Moody?” Sirius asked calmly. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“What makes you say that?” he asked. Sirius laughed again.

“You’re a shit liar, Rem, it’s written all over your face. And on Gid’s, a minute ago, as well. So go on. What does he think I’ve done?”

Remus hesitated before answering. He didn’t particularly want to be the one to break this news to Sirius, but there was nothing to be gained by keeping it from him. At least this way he’d have time to wrap his head around it before Moody’s interrogation.   

“It’s not about you” Remus said quietly, looking down at the bed. Sirius curled a hand under his chin and tried to tilt Remus’s head up to look at him, but Remus brushed it away.

“He thinks someone’s giving information to Voldemort about the order. Well, about you specifically. And maybe James...” Remus chanced a quick glance up at Sirius, who no longer looked remotely amused and was wearing an uncharacteristically serious expression.

“I think I can tell where this is going” Sirius said darkly.

“He wants to talk to you about Regulus” Remus said, searching Sirius’s expression. His eye had twitched when Remus said his brother’s name, but besides that his face remained impassive. A very uncomfortable silence followed in which Remus waited for Sirius’s reaction, but it didn’t come.

“Pads, please say something” Remus pleaded. He was starting to get very worried.

“I can’t say that I didn’t know this was coming” Sirius replied. There was a very subtle shift in his accent, that sent alarms bells ringing in Remus’s head. He eyed Sirius warily, who was now examining a scar on the palm of his hand, flexing his fingers to stretch the skin out.

“The heir to the house of Black would be a fine addition to the Pureblood cause” Sirius mused. He sounded quite calm, but he was speaking in that horrible, cold, haughty voice that he only used when talking about his brother. “I have no doubt they’ve tried to recruit him. As to whether he’d join them” Sirius suddenly balled his hand into a fist and Remus twitched nervously. “I suppose this is where we find out where Regulus Black’s loyalties really lie.”

He looked quite deranged now, his eyes just a little too wide, staring into space just beyond his tightly clenched fist, his knuckles slowly turning white. Remus found himself wishing James were here. James had always been better at dealing with this side of things than Remus was.

“Sirius, you’re scaring me” Remus admitted, letting go of his hand and shifting uncomfortably on the bed. Sirius’s eyes seemed to come back into focus and his expression softened. He unclenched his fist and let his arm sink back down onto the bed.

“Sorry” he muttered, his accent still a little weird. He was looking to the side, clearly deep in thought, his eyes narrowed slightly.

“It’s OK” Remus said helplessly. “I just... I don’t really know what to...”

Sirius looked back up at him, wearing a hardened expression but eyes full of emotion. He delicately picked up Remus’s hands with his own and tried to wrap Remus’s arms around himself.

“Can you just...?” he muttered. Remus slid further up the bed to wrap his arms completely around Sirius, pulling Sirius into his chest, the way Sirius had done to him when he was upset earlier.  

“I’m here” Remus whispered, kissing the top of his head and squeezing him gently. Sirius snaked his arms around Remus’s waist and clung to him uncomfortably tight.

“It’s going to be alright, love” Remus said quietly, knowing he couldn’t possibly promise such a thing. “I’m here” he said again. “I’ll always be here.” At least that was something he _could_ promise.

 

-

 

Remus sat on the sofa at home fidgeting constantly in a state of great agitation. He kept shifting his position, leaning back and stretching his legs out, then sitting forward with his elbows resting on his thighs and his chin resting on his hands. He also kept picking up the newspaper from the table in front of him and opening it, only to give up trying to distract himself a few minutes later and throwing it back down.

Moody had flat out refused to let Remus sit in while he questioned Sirius, despite Sirius’s protests that he would tell Remus everything anyway. Remus rather thought that’s Moody’s insistence on speaking to Sirius alone was more because Remus might try to stop Sirius from saying something stupid or incriminating, than for any other reason. Remus had to admit, he _was_ worried about what Sirius might say if Moody pushed him too hard. Sirius wasn’t exactly known for being rational when he was upset. And Regulus was clearly a sensitive subject.

Remus had held onto Sirius last night until he had fallen asleep in his arms. He had then stayed in the hospital all night, drifting in and out of sleep on the chair next to Sirius’s bed and brooding on how badly Sirius might take it if Moody’s suspicions turned out to be true. He also reflected darkly on the last conversation that Sirius and Regulus had had, and how Sirius had taunted Regulus for believing in upholding his family’s reputation.

_‘So what now, Reg? Tell me, what exactly is the grand plan? What, are you going to join the death eaters? To bring some honour back to the family name?’_

_‘Well, if I did, it would be none of your concern, I’m sure...’_

Remus shook his head, trying to get the image of Sirius and Regulus standing off against each other out of his head. He had only seen them standing side by side a handful of times, and it was unnerving how much they looked alike, despite being so drastically different in personality. He wondered if that was why Sirius just couldn’t let go of the idea that there was some good somewhere deep inside Regulus – because he saw something of himself in his little brother.  

Remus picked up the newspaper again, reading the inane headlines in disgust for probably the tenth time. On the front page was some crap about the quidditch major league finals. He had known that the attack on James and Sirius wouldn’t be reported, since the ministry was trying it’s hardest to keep up appearances of having things under control, but it didn’t make him any less angry about it. People had a right to know that they were in danger. And those muggles who had lost their lives deserved at the very least to have it acknowledged.

Remus had just thrown the paper behind him towards the kitchen, unwilling to look at it any longer, when there was a flash of fire in the grate and Sirius burst out of the fireplace, stomping into the room. Remus opened his mouth to greet him, but faltered when he took in Sirius’s appearance. His expression was furious and his hands were balled into fists, as they often did when he was angry. His knuckles were split and bleeding on his right hand, and he still had his hospital name tag around his wrist. He looked rather pale, and threw himself heavily onto the armchair closest to the fireplace, clutching hold of his ribs with his bloodied hand.

“So I’m guessing it didn't go well, then” Remus frowned, getting up and walking over to Sirius to take a closer look at him.

“I don’t want to talk about it” Sirius snapped, not looking at Remus and scowling towards the fireplace.

“You didn’t hit him, did you?” Remus asked, crouching in front of the armchair and taking Sirius’s hand to examine his knuckles. Sirius shot him an annoyed look and pulled his hand away.

“No. The wall” he said gruffly. Remus sighed and turned around to retrieve his wand from the coffee table. Sirius allowed Remus to take his hand again and heal the cuts, but still wouldn’t look at him. As soon as Remus released his hand he held onto his side again.

“What’s wrong with your ribs?” Remus asked suspiciously.

“Nothing” Sirius replied defensively. “Bloody hell, stop fussing...”

“Sirius, you shouldn’t have left the hospital” Remus scolded him. “They didn’t discharge you, did they?”

“I'm _fine_ ” Sirius hissed through gritted teeth. He certainly didn’t look fine. “Healer said I just need to rest, I can do that here.”  

Remus sighed again. There was no point in arguing with him.

“Alright” he said begrudgingly. “Do you want me to help you to bed?”

Sirius didn’t answer, clearly torn between wanting to continue sulking, but also wanting to take Remus up on this offer. Remus rolled his eyes.

“Come on” he muttered, grabbing Sirius under the arm and hoisting him up. Sirius groaned in pain as he stood up and Remus couldn’t help himself.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” he said grouchily as they shuffled towards the bedroom. “You’ve probably cracked your ribs. You have to let the healing spells take, your bones are practically made of glass until they do.”

“I know” Sirius replied, equally as moodily.

“And I can’t heal those, so you’re just going to have to suffer through it now” Remus told him.

“Fucks sake, Rem” Sirius growled. “I _know._ I've watched you break your bones enough times, haven’t I? AND I’ve seen you hurt yourself a million times trying to get back to class or to work before you’ve fully healed... fucking hypocrite...”

“So you know how it feels then” Remus shot back loudly. “To see the person you love _broken_ like this!”

Remus dropped Sirius onto the bed, too angry now to even care about the grunt of pain he let out as he hit the mattress. He wheeled around and stalked back out of the room without looking at him.

“I’m sorry” Sirius called to him as Remus reached the living room. Remus stopped in his tracks, closing his eyes and sighing heavily. He felt very tired all of a sudden.

He reluctantly walked back towards the bedroom and stood in the doorway, frowning at his moronic boyfriend. Sirius did indeed look very sorry. It wasn’t fair at all, how emotive his big grey eyes were. Remus could never stay mad at him when he was clearly upset. He sighed again and walked back over to the bed, sitting down next to Sirius and tucking his long dark hair behind his ear. Sirius looked up at him desperately.

“Please don’t be angry with me, Moony” he said quietly. “I just couldn’t sit there and listen to him say those things...”

Remus nodded, not knowing what to say. He understood that it must be hard for Sirius, having to confront the idea that his brother might be working for Voldemort. But at the same time he couldn't pretend that Moody’s theory wasn’t credible. Sirius leaned into Remus, burying his face in Remus’s chest and Remus automatically put an arm around him, gently stroking his back.

“He wouldn’t” Sirius said, his voice muffled by Remus’s jumper. “He wouldn’t sell me out like that. Even if he is... one of them... now.” Remus had seldom heard him sound so defeated.

“You... you think he might be, then?” Remus asked tentatively.

“Father’s dead. I've successfully brought shame on the family name. He’s the head of the house now” Sirius replied flatly, his shoulders sinking. “And he always does what he thinks he’s supposed to. What’s best for _the house of Black_ ” he said the name with disgust, in a supercilious imitation of his brother’s (and occasionally his own) upper-class accent. Remus kissed the top of his head.

“It isn’t your fault ” Remus told him firmly. “You did the best you could.”

“No, I didn't” Sirius replied, without anger. “I left him there. He never stood a chance.”

“He had a choice, Sirius. He still does” Remus frowned. Sirius said nothing.

 

-

 

Remus apparated into the order headquarters a couple of days later at Dumbledore’s request. He was a little nervous about being asked to meet with his former headmaster one-on-one and could only imagine it had something to do with Sirius. He still didn’t know the specifics of what had happened between Sirius and Moody, but it didn’t take a genius to work out that it had gone very badly. Sirius had been rather closed off ever since coming back from the hospital and hadn’t said another word about the order or about Regulus since admitting that he thought Regulus might have joined the death eaters. In fact, Sirius had barely said anything at all since that morning, and every now and then Remus would catch him staring into space with a hardened expression.

Remus walked into the dining room where they usually had order meetings, but it was empty. It was actually quite eerily quiet in there, since Remus was used to seeing it full of people.

“Remus” Dumbledore’s voice behind him made Remus jump. He turned around to see Dumbledore stood in the doorway. “I thought we could sit in the living room, given that it’s just the two of us.”

“Sure, OK” Remus replied nervously, following him through to the other room. Dumbledore sank into a large armchair and Remus perched uncomfortably on the edge of the sofa opposite him.

“How is Mr Black recovering?” Dumbledore asked casually. Remus paused before answering.

“He’s alright” he said slowly. “He cracked his ribs getting up too soon, but I’ve got him resting at home.”

“I’m given to understand that he didn’t take Alastor’s questioning very well” Dumbledore said seriously. Remus smiled grimly.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“It is possible of course that we are wrong” Dumbledore mused. “But I hope you understand why we have to investigate Regulus.”

“I understand” Remus told him. “And Sirius does too, really. It’s just hard for him.”

Dumbledore nodded serenely.

“Well, enough about that” he said. “That’s not why I asked you here.”

“It isn’t?” Remus asked, surprised.

“No” Dumbledore replied. “I have a mission I would like you to undertake, if you are amenable.”

“A mission?”

“Yes” Dumbledore was surveying Remus with great interest now, over the top of his glasses. “And I must warn you, it is a dangerous mission. It would involve you being away from home for a short while. But it is very important work. It may even play a crucial part in the way this war turns out.”

Remus frowned. Whatever it was it sounded like a huge amount of responsibility.

“Why are you asking me?” he asked confusedly. Remus was by no means the most qualified person in the order to undertake a dangerous and important mission.

“Because you are the only one who can do it” Dumbledore replied enigmatically. “But before we discuss the details I must tell you that this mission is top secret. Even if you choose not to accept it, you cannot tell anyone what we have discussed today. Not even Sirius.”

Remus hesitated, unsure whether he wanted go proceed or not. He had never been very good at lying to Sirius. Even back when they first met and Remus was trying to hide his lycanthropy from his dorm-mates Sirius had been able to read him like a book.

“I can’t tell Sirius?” Remus asked uncertainly. “Why?”

This time Dumbledore hesitated.

“It is of great importance that the details of this mission do not get into the wrong hands” he said seriously. Remus frowned again.

“And you think Sirius’s hands are _the wrong hands_?” he asked darkly.

“No. I do not” Dumbledore replied simply.

“But you don’t trust him?” Remus probed. He felt a little impertinent, questioning Dumbledore’s motives, but if he was being asked to lie to his boyfriend about his whereabouts for an extended period of time, he at least wanted to know why. And if Dumbledore suspected Sirius of being a leak in the order, he certainly wanted to know about that too.

Dumbledore looked at Remus appraisingly for a moment, as though trying to decide how much to tell him.

“At the last meeting, Alastor asked you whether you thought Regulus might give information on his brother to Voldemort, under sufficient pressure” he ventured, pressing his fingertips together looking pensive. “I should like to ask you now – what do you think Sirius might do if someone were to put pressure on him regarding his brother? Perhaps even to threaten Regulus’s life?”

“You’re saying you think he’d betray the order to protect Regulus?” Remus asked disbelievingly. He would not believe such a thing of Sirius.

“I’m saying that I do not know what Sirius would do if faced with that situation” Dumbledore replied calmly. “And that is a risk. One which I am not willing to take in this instance.”

Remus scowled, but had no retort. He couldn’t imagine Sirius betraying the order, not for anything. But he also couldn’t say for sure that he knew Sirius wouldn’t do anything stupid under extreme circumstances. And he had to admit that he knew that Regulus was a pressure point for him.

“So, if you do not wish to go any further you may leave now” Dumbledore said. “But if you stay to hear my proposal, then you agree to these terms.”

Remus thought for a moment about leaving. About going home and telling Sirius everything that Dumbledore had said, and promising Sirius that he would never keep secrets from him. But he knew he couldn't do that. If this mission really was as important as Dumbledore said, and if Remus really was the only person who could do it, then he had to at least try.

“OK” he said finally. “I agree. What we’re about to discuss won’t leave this room.”

“Excellent” Dumbledore replied breezily, as though they were talking about something much less serious than a secret war mission. “I hope you will understand why this is so important.”

Remus nodded, but didn’t say anything, waiting for him to go on.

“I wonder, Remus, what you know of the werewolf colonies?” he began. Remus stiffened. That wasn’t what he was expecting at all.

“Colonies?” he asked warily.

“Many werewolves do not feel as though they can lead fulfilling lives within wizarding society” Dumbledore went on. Remus huffed out a small laugh. That was a bit of an understatement, to say the least.

“I am sure you appreciate the sentiment” Dumbledore said kindly, in response to this. “And you know that werewolves are not permitted by wizarding law to gain employment in the muggle world. Some do, of course. But many are left without any way to support themselves, unable to find work.”

Remus nodded again. He knew that all too well.

“Well, as a result, there are groups of werewolves who have banded together to live as colonies, away from both muggle and wizard society. They live simple lives, hunting for food and building their own makeshift shelters. They reject our society, believing themselves to be better off on their own. Many see their lycanthropy as some sort of gift or privilege, and believe it to make them superior over wizards and muggles. They treat it as something to be celebrated.”

“OK...” Remus said uncertainly. He wasn’t entirely sure where Dumbledore was going with this, but he didn’t like the sound of these colonies at all. As far as he was concerned, lycanthropy was a terrible curse. Something to be feared, certainly not celebrated.

“I tell you this to prepare you. You have spent your life fully integrated into wizarding society. You have had opportunities that many of them won’t have. They would consider you something akin to... domesticated _._ And you in turn may be shocked by their animalistic nature. Some of them are quite bloodthirsty.”

“You want me to go to them?” Remus asked. He didn't yet understand why exactly, but that had to be where this was leading. Why else would Dumbledore be telling him these things?

“Yes” Dumbledore replied, his tone now quite grave. “I am certain that Voldemort will try and recruit them to his cause. It is paramount that this does not happen. A great deal of damage could be done if they are persuaded to fight for him. Just imagine the casualties.”

Remus didn’t respond as he put a hand to the bite mark scar on his left hip. He didn’t need to imagine it. Remus _was_ the casualty of an ugly disagreement between his father and one of these outcast werewolves many years ago. A shiver went down his spine as he thought about how many more children might be bitten on Voldemort’s orders. How many innocent people might be killed.

“You want me to ask them not to join him” Remus said slowly, trying to make sense of the whole thing. “But why would they listen to me?” Remus had never been very good at persuading anyone to do anything. His absolute failure as a prefect to keep his friends out of detention was proof enough of that.

“They may not” Dumbledore responded calmly. “In fact, I would go as far as to say that they certainly won’t. Not at first. That is why you will have to spend some time with them. To show them that you are one if them.”

“But I’m NOT one of them” Remus protested. “You said it yourself, I’m domesticated. I don't _want_ to be like them.”

“Have you never felt hard done to, Remus?” Dumbledore asked earnestly. “Rejected by a society that you know you could contribute to, if only they would let you? Shunned due to a condition you have no control over?”

Remus didn’t answer that. Of course he did. Some days he felt nothing else. There was a long silence in which Remus looked down at his knees. He could feel Dumbledore’s eyes on him, but he didn’t meet his gaze, not yet sure what he wanted to do. Whether he _could_ do this or not.

“I know it is a lot to ask” Dumbledore said. “Please take some time to think about it. But remember what we discussed, you cannot tell anyone else about this.”

Remus nodded and looked up at him. His head was swirling with a million different ‘what if' scenarios.

“OK, I’ll think about it” he said quietly. Dumbledore gave him a curt nod.

“Thank you, Remus” he said gratefully.

Remus nodded, still deep in thought. He knew that he was probably going to end up accepting the mission. After all, Dumbledore was right, he was the only one who could do it. But he sort of needed to talk himself into it first. He _really_ wished that he could talk it through with his friends.

“I’m sorry, sir, I still don’t understand. Why does this have to be a secret?” he asked. Dumbledore looked very serious again.

“Voldemort cannot know that we are reaching out to the werewolves” he said gravely. “It is going to be very difficult to persuade them to join our cause as it is. Voldemort will surely offer them much greater rights under his rule. I, unfortunately, can make no such promises. Our only hope is to gain their trust and appeal to their better nature.”

Remus understood.

“And they won’t trust us if Voldemort had already got to them and turned them against us” he said quietly.

“Exactly” Dumbledore agreed. “He may already have done so, it is possible he has pre-empted this move.”

“And if he has... or if I fail...” Remus said slowly. “Then I’m in danger, aren’t I?”

“We all are” Dumbledore told him. “Another reason I would like you not to tell your friends about this.”

Remus nodded again. It all made sense now. Dumbledore never asked any of them to do anything without good reason. This was as much about protecting all of their lives, as protecting the work of the order.

“OK” he said. “When do you need an answer by?”

“The sooner the better” Dumbledore replied.  “But I want you to be sure. It’s a lot to take on.”

“Yeah. It is” Remus said, his mind reeling.


	6. Targets

“Lily, can we talk for a minute” James asked nervously, tightly clutching the ring box in his pocket. He had been walking around with it for several days now, waiting for the right time. He’d pretty much decided by this point that the right time was probably never going to come, so he needed to just do it.

“Can it wait, James? I’ve sort of got my hands full here” Lily replied. She wasn’t wrong. She had just stepped into the house carrying shopping bags in both arms, while what James recognised as the Prewett’s owl was perched on her shoulder, gently pecking her cheek to try and get her to take the letter that was tied to it’s leg.   

“Here, let me...” James said, rushing over to relieve her of the bags. “What the hell is in here?” he asked, surprised by how heavy they were.

“Booze, mostly” she replied, taking the owl off her shoulder and setting it down on the side. “For Moony’s birthday. You haven’t forgotten have you? It’s tonight.”

“No, of course not” James lied. Of course he had forgotten, what with everything else going on. The combined stress of not being allowed out of the house unaccompanied anymore for safety reasons, trying to coax Sirius out of his bad mood regarding Moody’s suspicions about Regulus, and the weight of his imminent proposal to Lily were taking up pretty much all of his headspace. Still, in spite of everything else he did feel a slight stab of guilt at having forgotten about the toast. It was one of the marauder’s oldest traditions, after all.

“Well, it’s a good job I remembered, isn’t it?” Lily smirked, seeing right through him. She pulled a fancy looking bottle of clear liquid out of one of the bags. “I thought he might like this, it’s triple distilled – argh!” The Prewett’s owl was pecking her again, harder this time, fluttering it's wings and landing on her forearm.

“Bloody hell, what’s got you in such a flap?” she muttered to the owl, laughing a little at her own joke as she untied the letter from it's leg. James noted that there were two other letters attached to the same leg, one of which had Remus and Sirius’s names on the front. The owl took off out of the window as soon as Lily had freed the letter with hers and James’s names on the front and she turned to James, looking slightly wary. This was clearly some sort of order business.

James forgot about everything else entirely as he walked over to her, putting a gentle arm around her waist as she opened the envelope and took out the piece of parchment inside. It was a short letter, scrawled quickly in Fabian’s handwriting.

_James, Lily,_

_Dearborn is missing. If you think you might know anything contact Dumbledore in the first instance. Otherwise, say nothing to anyone. Keep your eyes open and stay safe._

_Fab and Gid._

Lily finished reading first and James felt her eyes on him as he reached the end of the letter. He looked down at her to see her expression fearful.

“It’ll be alright” he said quietly, pulling her in for a hug. He knew they were empty words. He knew as well as Lily did that Dearborn was most likely dead. But what else could he say?

They didn’t know Caradoc Dearborn particularly well. He was another one of those senior members of the order who seemed to do a lot of covert missions and report directly to Dumbledore. Still, in the little contact that they had had with him, he seemed like a nice enough bloke. And losing any member of the order was always hard. It made all of them feel incredibly vulnerable.

“I hate this” Lily muttered. “How are any of us ever supposed to lead normal lives while this is going on?”

James held her closer, carefully positioning himself so she wouldn’t feel the ring box through his pocket. He couldn’t do it _now_.

“I don’t know” he replied quietly.

 

-

 

Remus’s birthday had been a fairly subdued affair in the end, with Sirius still clearly dwelling on the thing with Regulus and all of them shaken by the news about Dearborn. They had all done their best to forget about it for the night, or if they couldn’t do that then at least to pretend like everything was fine, but to no avail. There was just no avoiding the fact that the order was shrinking - they were losing members at an accelerating rate and they were all painfully aware that James and Sirius were now targets. James was sure that he wasn’t alone in feeling a bit like they were on a sinking ship.

Not that it changed anything. There was nowhere else he would rather be then fighting for the right side. He had to remind himself of that sometimes, when he saw how much the pressure was taking it’s toll on Lily.

She had worked at the Potioneers with Sirius for a while after school, but had quickly moved up the ladder to work for a potions developer. It was no surprise really, she always been brilliant at the subject, and she seemed to like it a lot. She would always come home full of ideas for improvements to existing recipes, or new things to try, telling James excitedly about it. That’s why James fought her so hard on it when she told him she was quitting a couple of weeks ago, just after the incident. He had tried his best to talk her out of it, but she had said that the order was higher priority than any job, and that James was higher priority than _anything_ else. He had stopped arguing at that point, because he understood. He didn’t think he would be able to just go out to work like normal knowing that the death eaters were hunting her down.

Not that any of them knew for sure that anyone was hunting James down. It had been about three weeks now since that day in muggle London and neither he nor Sirius had had any trouble since. In fact, James was starting to wonder whether the attack had been purely opportunistic. If he and Sirius had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had expressed this thought to Lily, but it still hadn’t snapped her out of this horrible, anxious mood she was in. Lily quitting her job seemed to have given her more time to brood on the war, and as a result she was becoming increasingly distant. In fact, ever since they had gotten that letter about Dearborn she had been completely withdrawn. In most people that would probably be expected, but Lily had always been the sort of person who could make the best of any situation, and always find a reason to smile. James hated seeing her like this, scouring the paper every day with narrowed eyes and a hardened expression. Giving vague answers to questions, as if her mind was elsewhere. Sitting quietly on the sidelines instead of being in the middle of the conversation whenever they were with friends. She hadn’t even had a drink for Remus’s birthday, claiming that her stomach was a bit off. It just wasn’t like her at all.

As a result James had put off his proposal again, not wanting to spring it on her when she was clearly upset. But now he was starting to think that maybe he ought to broach the subject with her anyway. It might be just what she needed – to know that they had a future together, even if it might be a bit... unconventional. To know that James was here for her, no matter what.

“Lily...?” he asked tentatively, approaching her from behind where she was reclining on the sofa. He nervously put a hand to his pocket, to check that the ring box was definitely in there.

“Lily?” he asked again, a little louder, when she didn’t respond.

“Huh?” she shook her head slightly. “Sorry, what? I was miles away” she told him. James frowned as he noticed she was holding her stomach.

“You still got that stomach ache?” he asked her, perching on the arm of the sofa.

“What? Oh, no... it’s fine...” She replied distractedly, removing her arms from her abdomen and sweeping one hand through her hair. “What’s up?” she asked, giving him a small smile. Emboldened but this, James took one of her hands as he spoke.

“I know you’ve been feeling a bit down about everything, lately” he said earnestly. He had rehearsed this speech several times in his head (and a couple of times out loud, in front of the mirror). “And I get it. Things have been rough... But I want you to know that... _I_ feel like, everything is OK, as long as I have you.”

Lily’s smile grew and her expression warmed at this. James ploughed on.

“You said a couple of weeks ago, _‘how can we have a normal life?’_ , and honestly, I don’t think we can. But that doesn’t have to be bad. We can still have everything that matters. We have our friends and we have each other. And that’s good enough for me. In fact, I think that’s all I’ll ever need.”

James took a deep breath, reaching for his pocket.

“Lily, I-“

James was cut off by the roar of the fire. Remus tumbled out of it into their living room, looking distinctly dishevelled, his fringe slightly singed.

“Moony! What the-?” James began, annoyed at the interruption, but Remus cut him off.

“Sirius... it’s Sirius...” he panted, sounding as though he had run a long way. James’s anger evaporated immediately.

“Is he alright?” James asked quickly. “What happened?”

“He’s not hurt” Remus rasped. “Death eaters attacked us... The ministry took him in for questioning.”

“Another attack?” Lily said, sounding quite faint.

“Why have the ministry taken him?” James asked. The aurors would usually interview the victims on the scene, but it was unusual for them to take anyone back to the ministry. Unless...

Remus hesitated, still breathing heavily, looking uneasily between James and Lily.

“Remus, what did he do?” James demanded.

“He didn’t mean to” Remus said pleadingly. “Neither of us were aiming to kill. But one of their spells must have ricocheted off his, I don’t know...”

Lily gasped and put a hand to her mouth.

“How much trouble is he in?” James asked quickly.

“I don’t know, they won’t tell me anything” Remus replied shaking his head. “Moody told me to get you, you’re his next of kin, they won’t release him to anyone but you. Then we all have go to headquarters RIGHT NOW. You too Lily, we have to talk about protection...”

“Let’s go” James said simply, gesturing to the fireplace.

 

-

 

“Why is James his next of kin?” Lily asked Remus as soon as they were out the other side in the ministry atrium. She and James were half jogging to keep up with Remus’s long strides. “Shouldn’t it be Sirius’s parents?” she added. “Not that we’d _want_ them here or anything...”

“No, when they disowned him they did it properly, paperwork and all” Remus told her disapprovingly. “Wouldn’t want him getting his hands on that inheritance.”

“Yeah, my parents took legal responsibility for him when he came to live with us” James added. “I guess now that they’re dead that makes me his... godfather? Step dad?” he smirked a little. None of this was funny really, but he thought that they might be able to have a bit of a laugh about that particular detail later.

They all stopped talking as they reached the reception desk and signed in as visitors. Remus told the receptionist that Moody was expecting them and she directed them to the lifts which would take them to the auror department.

 “We should sort that out when this is over” Lily said as they entered the lift. “It really should be Remus, shouldn’t it? His next of kin?”

Remus exchanged a grim look with James.

“I’ll let you field that one” Remus muttered, looking away.

“Um... Remus isn’t legally allowed to be anyone’s next of kin” James told her. “Except his parents, I think, right?”

Remus put his hand out flat and tilted it side to side, in a gesture which James took to mean that the rules were unclear on that. It didn’t really matter, now was hardly the time to debate the finer details of werewolf legislation.

“Oh, I’m sorry...” Lily said quietly to Remus, but he shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter” he replied flatly. Before they had chance to discuss the matter any further, the lift doors opened. The three of them stepped out into the auror department, where Moody was waiting for them, looking greatly agitated.

“Took your time...” He growled. “Potter, with me. You two wait here.”

James nodded and followed Moody down the corridor, leaving Lily and Remus behind by the lifts.

“How much trouble is he in?” James asked Moody quietly as they walked. Moody shrugged unconcernedly.

“Not much. We’ve got a dead death eater, Crouch is hardly going to look that gift horse in the mouth.” Moody took a furtive look around before adding “We're more concerned at the moment with _why_ Black has been involved in two such incidents, in the space of three weeks. You DO understand the implications of that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I understand” James replied. This implied that Sirius _was_ being targeted. And potentially even being followed. And now the ministry was probably asking questions which could make things difficult for the order.

“You’re to report straight to headquarters when we’re done here. All of you” Moody told him, just before they entered his office. He opened the door to reveal Sirius sat in front of Moody’s desk, looking furious and flanked by aurors on either side. Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his seat and James noticed that both of his wrists were handcuffed to the chair.

“Have you seen Remus?” Sirius demanded as soon as he saw James enter the room behind Moody. “Is he alright? They dragged me off before I could-“

“Settle down!” one of the aurors threatened Sirius. “I’ve told you, _it_ is fine. Don’t know why you care so much about a bloody werewolf anyway...”

Sirius attempted to lunge at the auror, who laughed as the handcuffs prevented him from getting anywhere near him, the chain rattling on the metal chair frame. Well, that explained why he was handcuffed in the first place.

“ENOUGH” Moody roared before dropping into a seat behind his desk. Sirius froze in his chair but continued to stare at the auror with hatred on his face. The auror merely smirked at him.

“Jones, get out of my office!” Moody barked at the auror who was facing off with Sirius. “And Potter, answer the question!”

“He's fine Sirius, I promise” James said earnestly, while Jones left the room muttering something under his breath about being _soft on half breeds_. Moody watched him go with great dislike on his face. Once he was out of the room Moody gestured to his vacant seat, inviting James to sit down.

“Right, Potter” Moody said, business-like, flicking through a stack of paperwork in front of him. “I’m releasing Black into your custody until the hearing. You have the unfortunate job of keeping him out of trouble until we decide what to do with him.”

“What might you do with him?” James asked warily, glancing at Sirius next to him, who looked considerably less worried than James felt, and still rather angry.

“If the Wizenagamot see fit they could prosecute and then we could be looking at criminal charges” Moody replied, sounding unconcerned.

“Does that mean Azkaban?” James asked fearfully.

“Unlikely” Moody replied. “Probably just community service of some sort.”

James breathed a sigh of relief as Moody slid a couple of forms in front of him to sign.

“Neither of you are to leave the country without informing the ministry until the hearing takes place” Moody told them calmly as James signed the papers. “And it should go without saying, but try not to break any more laws until then, as well.”

“I didn’t break any laws!” Sirius protested. “I _told_ you, I didn’t cast the curse!”

“We are aware of that, Black” Moody replied lazily. “We checked yours and Lupin’s wands. But you DID engage in a duel in broad daylight where any muggles might have seen. And a man IS dead.”

“A death eater!” Sirius scoffed.

“It is not your job to go around killing death eaters!” Moody said loudly, leaning over the desk authoritatively. “Vigilantes cause more collateral damage than the actual perpetrators half the time. I’m warning you Black, you had better not _be caught_ in the middle of this again.”

Moody and Sirius exchanged a meaningful look and James understood that although Moody was saying these things for the benefit of the other auror sat there with them, this was a legitimate warning not to be caught by the ministry in an incriminating position.   

“Now, get out of my sight, both of you” Moody growled, pulling James’s completed paperwork back towards himself. The auror next to Sirius waved his wand, releasing Sirius’s handcuffs and he and James exited Moody’s office in silence.

“Is he here?” Sirius asked as soon as they were out in the corridor. Sirius was massaging his wrists, which had deep red marks on them from where he’d been straining against the handcuffs. James was saved the trouble of replying, however, as Remus peered around the corner at the end of the hallway towards them. Sirius broke out into a run up to him, stopping short awkwardly as they came face to face.

James had seen this behaviour many times before, and he didn’t really care for it. The two of them were very careful not to show any romantic affection in public, not knowing how people might react to it. James rather thought anyone who DID have a problem with it could go to hell, and Remus and Sirius should express their love however they wanted to.

He caught up with Sirius in time to hear him insisting he was fine and wasn’t about to be carted off to Azkaban.

“But never mind that” Sirius said dismissively. “What happened to you? I heard...” Sirius glanced around and lowered his voice, putting a gentle hand on Remus's shoulder. “I heard that auror bloke asking for your registry information. I was so worried they were going to drag you into the creatures department.”

“They did” Remus replied quietly, sounding almost ashamed. “Ran every background check on me they could.” James saw Sirius’s face harden with concern. Remus gave him a weak smile. “I swear, they were actually disappointed to find out what a law-abiding citizen I am.”

“Well of course you are” James interjected. Both Remus and Sirius looked to him in surprise. “They had no right to assume you wouldn’t be.”

“Let’s not get into that now” Remus said quickly, looking around worriedly, as if he thought that they might be overheard. “We have to go, Dumbledore is waiting for us.”  

 

-

 

All four of them apparated into headquarters from just outside the ministry. James and Lily appeared in the dining room, where Dumbledore was sat at the table waiting patiently. They heard a couple of cracks which indicated Sirius and Remus had apparated into the hallway.

James and Lily both greeted Dumbledore and Lily took a seat at the table. James however was wondering what was taking Remus and Sirius so long to come in, and stuck his head around the door into the hallway. He immediately regretted this decision, as he saw the two of them passionately kissing. Sirius’s hands were on Remus's face and Remus’s arms were wrapped around Sirius’s waist, holding him tight.

“Ahem” James said pointedly. They parted, both looking back to James in a slightly dazed manner. “Will you be joining us?” James asked, an eyebrow raised. Remus looked mildly embarrassed, but Sirius mouthed the word ‘pervert' at James, looking amused. James rolled his eyes.

“Sirius, Remus” Dumbledore said as they entered the room by way of greeting. “Alastor has filled me in on today’s events, but I would like a first hand account if you don’t mind, before we discuss anything else.”

“It all happened so fast, I don’t really _know_ exactly what happened” Remus offered, sinking heavily into a chair at the table.

“We were going to do some maintenance on the barn, and then they were just on us out of nowhere” Sirius elaborated. “Two death eaters. Hoods, masks. Same as London.”

“We took cover behind the trees. There were spells flying everywhere, I was doing my best to deflect them. I think Sirius was firing back some counter curses” Remus said.

“Non-lethal ones” Sirius added hastily. Dumbledore gave a nod to indicate that he believed him.

“And then, one of them was on the ground” Remus went on. “We didn’t know he was dead, I thought Sirius had just managed to get a stunner through. But then the other one disapparated so we knew something was wrong.”

“We waited where we were for a while, making sure there weren’t any more. When we went over to examine the body we found him dead” Sirius said, making a sort of shrugging gesture with his hands, looking nonplussed. “I don’t know who it was. We didn’t recognise him.”

“And then the aurors showed up out of nowhere” Remus said. “I don’t know if they were tracking the death eaters or what. I don’t know how they got there so fast.”

“Or if they were tracking _us_ ” Sirius added darkly. They all looked to Dumbledore, who did not look surprised by this suggestion.

“That does not concern me at the moment” Dumbledore said calmly, in response to their alarmed expressions. “What concerns me is how the death eaters found you.”

That concerned James too. The barn where Remus went for his transformations was something that no one outside of the marauders knew about. Was it possible they were being watched?

“They must have followed us” Sirius replied. “There’s no way they could have known we’d be there otherwise. No one knows about the barn. And we didn't even decide to go there today until the last minute.”

“But where would they have followed us from?” Remus asked Sirius.  “We apparated straight into the woods. They must have been staking out the place. Waiting for us.”

“So then how did they know about it in the first place? And how did they know you’d go back?” James asked, more just thinking aloud than actually expecting anyone to be able to answer.

“They must have seen you go there at the full moon” Lily suggested.

“But then why not try and kill us then?” Remus countered. “Why wait until we go back?”

There was a brief silence. Dumbledore, who had been sitting quietly looking thoughtful while they had this debate, was the one to break it.

“The only plausible explanation I can see is that someone told them about the place” he said, looking around at them all seriously.

“Impossible” James said immediately. “The only people who know about it are in this room.”

“And Peter” Lily reminded him.

James made the same shrugging gesture that Sirius had a moment ago, to indicate that this was true, but hardly even needed mentioning. The idea of Peter having told anyone about it was ludicrous. Dumbledore continued to look pensive.

“You are certain that no-one else knows?” he asked. James looked around at the others, who were all looking as baffled as he felt.

“Anyone who knows about my condition could guess that there must be somewhere I go to transform” Remus said. “But no-one outside of us knows the location. It would be dangerous to tell anyone about it, for me AND for them.”   

Not to mention they didn’t want anyone else stumbling across their animagus secret, James added in his head. Not even Dumbledore knew about that one. That was how James knew that the information couldn’t possibly have been leaked from within the marauders. Anyone who DID tell would incriminate themselves, as much as anyone else.

“What about the previous owners of the place?” Dumbledore asked.

“Muggles” Sirius replied. “I only met them once, to get the keys. Don’t see why they’d remember me. And Remus never met them at all.”

Dumbledore looked like he was thinking deeply, his fingertips pressed together and a small crease between his eyebrows. They all waited for him to speak again and give them his thoughts.

“Very well” he said finally, resting his hands down on the table. “Until we know more I want the both of you under house arrest” he directed this to Remus and Sirius. “You are not to leave your flat, under any circumstances. I shall be increasing the level of protective enchantments on it.” He turned to James and Lily. “And neither of you are to leave the house without another order member for protection. The same will apply for Mr Pettigrew.”

“What about the full moon?” Remus asked, frowning. James knew it was only about a week away.

Dumbledore paused thoughtfully before replying.

“I shall make arrangements” he said mysteriously.


	7. Safe

Dumbledore’s arrangements, it transpired, involved personally escorting Remus to the Shrieking Shack all the way back at Hogwarts. They couldn’t exactly argue with this, after all, it had served as a safe place for Remus to transform all the way through school. What Dumbledore didn’t know was how much of a role Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail had played in keeping Remus safe in the later years. In fact, unbeknownst to Dumbledore this was the first transformation that Remus would have to undergo alone in over three years.

James was worried. He paced up and down the living room, cursing the moon, cursing Remus’s unfortunate condition, cursing Remus himself for not letting them tell Dumbledore about their animagus forms. They had discussed the idea back when they first joined the Order, after school. They probably ought to keep it a secret from Moody and Bones, since they had broken about a dozen laws doing it in the first place, but Dumbledore had always been quite blase about wizarding laws. He operated according to his own moral compass, rather than a rigid set of (sometimes arbitrary, in James’s opinion) rules that someone else had made up. James admired him for that. And the man had certainly gone out of his way to help Remus in the past. Surely he would understand this?

Remus wouldn’t hear of it though. He felt that what they had done had been a great betrayal of Dumbledore’s trust. That he had somehow encouraged his friends to become reckless law breakers. As if any of it was in any way his fault. If anything, Moony was the innocent bystander in it all. But still, he had made them all promise never to tell. And he had seemed so serious about it that they had all agreed. Maybe it was for the best to keep it on the down low anyway. It was a bit of an ace up their sleeve, if they were ever in real trouble.

Speaking of trouble... James looked out of the window at the darkening sky, the last bit of light from the setting sun now fading. Remus was no doubt transforming by now. James remembered the first time he had seen Remus transform. How awful it had been. How manic and unhinged Remus had been immediately beforehand, knowing what was coming. How they had seen his bones break. How there had been blood everywhere. But the truly messed up thing about it all was that the worst part wasn't even seeing all of this happen to Remus. The worst part had been seeing what witnessing this did to Sirius. James would never forget that look on his face. In all the times James had seen Sirius in the aftermath of a beating from his parents, he had never once seen Sirius look as scared and as horrified as he did that night.

Whatever James was feeling right now, he knew that it was a million times worse for Sirius. He had pleaded with Dumbledore to let Sirius come here tonight, or to let James and Lily go over to his place, but Dumbledore had said it was too dangerous. James didn’t believe that that any of their lives would be in any particular danger if he were just to reactivate the floo connection for one night, but James knew they were ALL still under suspicion of leaking information about the order. James didn’t know what to think regarding how the death eaters were getting their intel, but he hadn't spent much time dwelling on it. He knew beyond any shadow of doubt that it wasn’t any of the marauders.

“James” Lily called from the bedroom. James gave his head a shake, trying to clear it, before trudging upstairs.

“Yeah?” he called back when he was about half way up.

“It’s Sirius” she replied. James picked up the pace, jogging the rest of the way. When he got to the bedroom he found Lily holding one of the two way mirrors that he and Sirius had. She was speaking to Sirius in a soothing tone, trying to assure him that Remus would be alright. James stood behind her, looking over her shoulder. Sirius had that wild look in his eye that he got whenever he was about to do something stupid.

“I can’t just leave him” Sirius was saying, running a hand through his already messy hair in frustration. “If I just apparated directly into the Shack, no one would ever know.”

“You can’t” James told him firmly. “There’s anti-apparition wards on your flat. And on the Shack.”

“So I’ll go outside” Sirius replied desperately. “And I’ll apparate into Hogsmeade.”

“And lead the death eaters right to him?” James countered. “Don’t be stupid.”

“I can’t just leave him!” Sirius said again, now pulling on his own hair, groaning in frustration.

“Listen to me, Pads” Lily said carefully. “It’s too dangerous, for everyone involved. Dumbledore’s right.”

“I don’t give a SHIT about Dumbledore’s fucking _conspiracy theories!_ ” Sirius all but yelled back. “What I care about is _Remus_. Tearing himself to shreds. I PROMISED HIM” Sirius put a hand over his face, making a sound that was sort of a cross between a whine and a dry sob. “I PROMISED him he’d never be alone again.”

“We all did” James replied quietly. “And I feel shit about breaking that too, believe me. But Lily’s right. You _can’t_ , Sirius.”

Sirius said nothing, breathing heavily. He kept clenching and unclenching his fist in an agitated manner.

“I think I’d better go over there” James whispered to Lily. Sirius gave no indication that he had heard this, continuing to stare into space with a tortured look on his face.

“Sirius, give us a second OK?” Lily said into the mirror. “Just one sec, don’t go anywhere.” Sirius nodded mutely, and Lily placed the mirror face down on her dresser.

“Don’t tell me I have to talk _you_ down from doing something stupid as well” she hissed at James.

“I’m trying to stop HIM from doing something stupid” James replied quietly. “He’s not going to be able to just sit there all night, you _know_ that.”

Lily looked like she very much wanted to argue against that, but James knew she knew he was right.

“I’ll apparate just outside his place, get through the barrier, put it back up once I’m in” James told her.

“After Dumbledore explicitly told you NOT to” Lily countered. “What if the death eaters are staking out his place?”

“I’ll go under the cloak” James said. He had already thought of that. “No one will even know I’m there.”

“And when Dumbledore finds out?” Lily asked, sounding unimpressed. “Because he _will_.”

“I’m sure he’d still prefer it to Sirius storming Hogsmeade, potentially bringing the death eaters with him” James argued.

“Um, guys” Sirius’s voice came from the mirror behind them. James realised that in their argument, he and Lily had forgotten to be quiet. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t need a babysitter.”

James sighed and picked up the mirror. Sirius still looked every bit as on edge as he had done a minute ago.

“Yes you do” James told him, in a no-nonsense tone. He turned back to Lily. “Sirius can’t leave Remus, and I can’t leave Sirius. I’m sorry” he told her.

“No one is _leaving_ anyone” Lily cried, looking for all the world like she felt as though she was the only sane person in this conversation. James could sort of understand why, he felt that way himself sometimes where Sirius was concerned. But the simple fact was that there was nothing James wouldn’t do to protect his brother.

“Look” she went on. “We’ll stay here all night talking in the mirror if we have to, and we'll bombard Dumbledore with letters and patronuses in the morning until we know Remus is alright, but we _have to stay put.”_

James shook his head. Lily hadn’t known Sirius for as long as he had, but she should know him well enough to know that that wouldn’t work.

“No go. I’m probably going to have to physically restrain him at some point” James told her, ignoring the indignant gesture Sirius made in the mirror.

“You really think he’s THAT incapable of controlling himself?” Lily asked sceptically.

“Am I wrong?” James demanded of Sirius, who opened his mouth looking defiant, but then seemed to think better of it. He shrugged and then nodded, looking resigned. James turned to Lily, gesturing to the mirror in a ‘you see what I mean’ sort of way.

“You’re idiots” she said, as though realising this for the first time. “All of you. Fucking idiots!” she sounded angry now.

“Lily, what if it were James?” Sirius interjected. Lily froze in the action of wringing her hands, about to yell something. “What if you knew there was every chance he could DIE tonight, if no-one was there to help him. And you knew you were the only one who _could_ help him. Not only that, but you promised him you would. Would you find it so easy to _stay put_?”

Lily let her hands sink down, frowning. She clearly had no response to that.

“If he dies tonight, it’s my fault” Sirius said beseechingly, to both James and Lily.

“But why would he die?” Lily asked desperately. “He’s been fine this far hasn’t he?”

“No. He hasn’t” Sirius replied darkly. 

“Sirius, _no_ ” James said warningly. Sirius ignored him.

“Evans, do you remember when Moony missed two months of school in third year?” Sirius asked. His tone was almost casual, but his expression was quite deranged. “Don’t suppose you would, you didn’t really know him then. We told everyone his Grandmother had died, but really, he was in St Mungos with a broken spine. Healers said they didn’t know if he’d ever walk again. He limped for about six months afterwards.”

James looked to Lily, who looked shocked and slightly sickened by this. Apparently this wasn’t enough for Sirius, because he went on.

“Or should we talk about the time in sixth year, after the thing with Snape? When he lost so much blood that we couldn’t wake him up. And Peter wouldn’t let me go and get Pomfrey, because she couldn’t know that we’d been there. So we just had to wait, not knowing if it was already too late...”

“Sirius, that’s enough” James said quietly, his eyes on Lily, who was holding back tears. Again, Sirius ignored him.

“Or maybe we should remember the first full moon after Hogwarts, when the wolf didn’t recognise it’s surroundings so it tore Remus to shreds. He had a dozen or so broken bones and we ran all over town trying to find a healer who would treat a werewolf, which, by the way, most of them won’t.”

“SIRIUS” James roared, as a single tear slid down Lily cheek and her expression turned to anger.

“Why didn’t you tell me about that?!” she yelled at James, punching him hard in the arm. He nearly dropped the mirror. He had known that Sirius was going to bring this up and land him in it. Lily had been almost beside herself with worry when James had returned home from that night so he had lied, and told her it had all gone fine.

“I didn’t want to upset you” he said desperately.

“You can’t LIE to me, James!” she cried. “How are we ever going to do this if you keep things like that from me?!”

“Going to do what?” James asked confusedly. Lily’s eyes widened slightly, as if in panic at what she had just said.  

“You know... the order... and... everything” she gestured around vaguely, with the distinct air of someone backpedalling. James frowned at her suspiciously, but before he could say anything, Sirius interrupted again.

“Look, it doesn’t matter” Sirius said loudly through the mirror. “The point is, I _know_ that Dumbledore told me to stay here, and I _know_ that he’s probably right, but Remus is my LIFE” his voice was getting high pitched and squeaky and James knew he was trying not to cry. “How am I supposed to just...” He put a hand over his face again.

James turned to Lily who had both of her hands on top of her head, looking incredibly stressed.

“Let me flip this situation on you, Sirius” she said coldly. “What if it were Remus, about to run off and do something incredibly dangerous and reckless, that could get him AND one of your best friends killed? And all he had to do to avoid that was to just NOT GO.”

“I hear you, Lily, I do” Sirius replied, his voice muffled through his fingers. “And I’m not asking James to come over here. I just... I don’t know what to do...”

“You sit tight and wait for me, that’s what you do” James told him decisively. Sirius dropped his hand so it was only covering his mouth, his watery eyes slightly hopeful. “I’ve never let you down yet and I won’t start now” James added. He looked back to Lily, who was wearing a stony expression.

“Lily, I...” he said helplessly.  

“You know what? Do what you want, James ” she replied flatly. “I can’t stop you, can I?”

James sighed and looked back to the mirror.

“I’ll see you soon” he said quietly to Sirius. “Be ready to put the wards back up as soon as I’m inside.”

“Be careful” Sirius said simply, before deactivating the mirror. James stared blankly at his own reflection in it for a couple of seconds, his mind buzzing. He turned back around when he heard Lily leaving the room.

“Lily, wait” he called, going after her. She didn’t, stomping moodily down the stairs.

“Lily, come on” he pleaded. “He’s family, you know that. He doesn’t have anyone else.”

“I get it” she replied coldly. “He’s more important to you than me. Fine.”

“That’s not fair” James said, stopping where he was on the stairs. Lily stopped too at the bottom of them, sighing heavily.

“I know. I’m sorry” she said, slowly turning around to face him. “I just... with everything that’s going on, James...” she looked upset now. “I _need_ to know that you can be responsible. That you can keep us safe.”

“Of course I can” James said consolingly, hopping down the rest of the stairs to hug her. To his great relief she returned the hug, turning her face inwards into his neck and breathing in deeply. “I’ll always protect you, no matter what” he added, kissing the top of her head. “It's not like I'm running off to do anything crazy. I’m trying to keep Sirius safe too. That’s all I want. For ALL of us to be safe.”

 

-

 

James made it into Sirius’s flat without incident. Not that he had particularly expected there to be a hoard of death eaters camped outside or anything – all the attacks so far had been when they were out and about. Still, he took care to apparate as close to the building as he could and to have the cloak covering him at all times. It took mere minutes to get through the protective enchantments, as Sirius had already started taking them down in preparation for his arrival. Once James was inside he and Sirius reinstated the protective spells straight away, and then James called Lily through the mirror to let her know everything was alright.

Once James had finished speaking to Lily he breathed out a long sigh of relief and turned back to Sirius, who was slumped on the sofa with a cigarette in his mouth.

“Want one?” Sirius asked, gesturing to the packet on the coffee table.

“Fucking hell, yes” James replied passionately. Sirius huffed out a small laugh.

James joined him on the sofa and lit one. He took a deep inhale from it and leant back into the sofa cushions, exhaling slowly with his head tilted back. Daaaamn that was good.

“So how’s quitting going?” Sirius asked. His tone was a little flat, but there was a small smirk on his face.

“Today was a _really_ fucking hard day NOT to smoke” James told him, laughing a little. “Lily’s doing really well with it though, actually. She hasn’t touched one in weeks.”

“I haven’t gotten you in too much trouble with her, have I?” Sirius asked, looking troubled. ”I swear, I wasn’t going to ask you to come over. That’s not why I called.”

“I know, mate” James replied, patting him on the knee. “It’s fine, she understands. Kind of.” There was a brief silence while James leisurely puffed on his cigarette and Sirius stared broodingly into space.

“But you could have, you know” James said quietly. “Asked, I mean.”

“Didn’t want to make it your problem” Sirius muttered. James turned his head to frown at him.

“What a fucking stupid thing to say” he said. Sirius looked back at him in surprise. “Anything that’s going on with you or Moony is already my problem. Always has been.”

Sirius managed a small smile.

“I’m glad you’re here” he admitted. “So I want to apologise in advance for when I get really worked up later and freak out. And possibly punch you when you try and stop me going to him.”

“Oh don’t worry about it, I’m looking forward to that bit” James smirked. “It’ll be just like old times.”

“What, when I used to kick your arse?” Sirius asked. James grinned even wider. THAT was the Sirius he knew.

“I let you win” James lied. “Had to make sure you looked all manly in front of Moony, didn’t I? So he’d take you off my hands.”

“Yeah? How did that work out for you?” Sirius replied. James laughed.

“Backfired just a tad” he smiled. “Not only did I NOT get rid of you, I had to live with the most sickeningly loved up couple ever for the last two years of school. Not to mention finding out more than I EVER needed to know about Remus’s surprisingly high sex drive.”

“Speaking of sickeningly loved up couples...” Sirius ventured, stubbing out his cigarette end. “Why haven’t you popped the question yet?”

“I keep trying!” James protested. “But every time I try something bad happens.” He ruffled up his hair in frustration. “I don't know, I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t. She was on at me earlier about being irresponsible and not keeping us safe. She’s been really freaked out lately.”

“Well you _were_ attacked by death eaters” Sirius said reasonably. “And now Dumbledore reckons there’s a leak in the order or something. I’m not surprised it’s getting to her. I think it’s getting to Remus as well.” Sirius sighed heavily. “He’s been a bit off ever since I was in hospital. He had a one-on-one with Dumbledore a couple of days later, you know.”

“No, I didn't ” James replied, surprised that Remus hadn’t mentioned this.

“Yeah, he said it was to talk about my protection, but I could tell he was lying” Sirius told him. “I think Dumbledore was grilling him about me.”

“You think he suspects YOU?” James frowned.

“I think he DID, until the second attack” Sirius replied, sounding very unconcerned about this.

“Have you spoken to Remus about it?” James asked.

“No” Sirius shook his head. “Dumbledore must have asked him not to tell me. It’s better that he thinks I don't know, then he doesn’t have to lie to Dumbledore about it.”

They sat in silence for a while until James finished his cigarette. When he stubbed it out in the ashtray on the table, Sirius hauled himself up into a standing position.

“I can’t sit here not doing anything” he said, starting to walk towards the kitchen. “Lets have a drink, shall we?”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” James asked warily from the sofa, as Sirius disappeared into the kitchen. He came back out a moment later with a bottle of firewhisky and two glasses.

“No, not really” Sirius sighed. “But I don’t think tonight is going to be a night of good decisions, is it?” He sat back down next to James and started filling the glasses. “Besides, maybe if you get me drunk enough I’ll pass out before I _really_ lose my mind” he added.

James gave him a grim smile and picked up one of the glasses, holding it out to toast with Sirius. Sirius picked his up and clinked the glass against James’s without saying anything, before downing the whole thing in one.

“Hey, Pads...?” James asked thoughtfully after taking a large swig of his own drink. Sirius was already refilling his own glass.

“Yeah?” Sirius replied.

“Do you think you’d marry Moony? You know, if you could?”

Sirius, who had been taking another swig of his new drink, choked a little and began coughing.

“Fuck, I dunno” he replied, his voice hoarse. He gave a couple more hacking coughs, trying to clear his throat. “Never really thought about it...”

“You haven't?” James asked, surprised.

“Well... I mean, I’ve thought about us spending the rest of our lives together. That’s basically the plan” Sirius shrugged. James noted the hollow look in his eyes and knew that the sentiment of ‘if either of us live long enough to see any kind of future’ was implied.

 “But we’re not going to have a _wedding_ , are we?” he added, grimacing slightly.

“I dunno” James mused. “You _could_... if you wanted to...”

Sirius looked at him like he’d gone mad and James couldn’t help but laugh.

“I don’t think that’s necessary” Sirius told him dispassionately. “I think it would just kind of highlight the fact that, you know, as far as the law is concerned we’re not a real couple.”

“Who gives a shit about whether it’s _legal_ or not?” James argued. “Do you think that’s why _I_ want to do it?”

“Honestly, mate, I don’t know why you want to do it” Sirius shrugged, reaching for the cigarettes again. James slapped him on the back of the head.

“Do you not listen to a damn word I say?” he asked irritably, snatching the cigarette that Sirius was offering to him. “It's about being a family. About showing her how much I love her. Telling her I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”

“Yeah, I get that bit” Sirius replied gruffly, gesturing in a business like manner with his cigarette. “But what you’re talking about there is a marriage. It’s the _wedding_ part I don’t understand.”

“Well, I don’t pretend to understand why the cake and the flowers and all that are so important” James told him, lighting his cigarette with the tip of his wand. It was just as satisfying as the first one had been and James lost his train of thought for a moment, wondering why on earth he had ever agreed with Lily that they would both quit smoking together.

“So you just want to have a big party, is that it?” Sirius asked, in a ‘cut the bullshit’ kind of tone.

“Well yeah, obviously” James grinned. “But it’s really more just a means to an end you know? What I _want_ is for Lily to be my wife. For everyone to know that we’re a family.”

“So it comes back to the legality of it, then, doesn’t it?” Sirius said.

“Yeah, I suppose it does” James mused. He looked at Sirius appraisingly, wondering if Sirius genuinely didn’t care about any of that, or if it secretly really bothered him that he couldn’t have it.

“Stop it” Sirius said flatly, picking up his drink again.

“What?”

“Pitying me.”

“I’m not!”

“You are! Stop it!” Sirius was pretending to be annoyed, but there was a small smile on his face. He took a large swig of his drink to conceal this fact and then looked back to James with a serious expression, which James could see right through. Sirius was terrible at masking his emotions, and James had known him for far too long.

“I'm gay, James, I'm not a bloody invalid” he said irritably, and James snorted. “The ministry doesn’t recognise mine and Remus’s relationship as something serious, so fuck them” he added dismissively. “I don't want their approval anyway, not after everything they’ve done to him. He knows I’m in this for as long as he’ll have me. That’s all that matters.”

James smiled warmly at him and Sirius continued to pretend to be annoyed.

“So no, I’m not going to ask him to marry me” Sirius told him flatly.

“Alright, alright” James said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I was just _wondering_ that was all.”

“No you weren’t, you were trying to push your heteronormative agenda on me” Sirius replied flippantly. “Don’t think I don’t see right through you.”

“Where on earth did you learn that word?” James laughed.

“Moony has a lot of books” Sirius said, waving a hand dismissively. “Some of them are about being gay. Honestly, I don’t know why we didn’t see it sooner.”

“Because next to you we all seem that much straighter by comparison” James smirked.

“I remember when he first told me he'd got off with Prewett in the library” Sirius said thoughtfully, smiling at the memory. “My first thought was _‘YES'_. And then I was like, wait, why am I so pleased about that?”

“It didn’t occur to you that it was because you were in love with him?” James asked incredulously. It had certainly occurred to James, all the way back in second year when Sirius wouldn’t stop harping on about how Remus’s eyes changed colour. Sirius merely shrugged.

“We got there in the end, didn’t we?” he replied distractedly, looking through the haze of cigarette smoke and out of the window at the full moon in the sky. “Do you think the wolf will be alright, in the Shack?” he asked, his tone tense. “I mean, it’s familiar surroundings, isn’t it? But maybe it will be angry that we’re not there-”

“Stop it, Sirius” James cut him off. “Don’t do that to yourself. There’s no point in speculating.”

Sirius looked pained but continued to smoke his cigarette in silence. James cast around for a change of subject.

“Do you know anything about planning a wedding?” he asked Sirius, who looked very taken aback by the question. It took him a minute to answer.

“Um... no, not really” he replied, looking bewildered. “I’ve only ever been to sacred 28 weddings, which are always more or less an excuse for everyone to get together and talk about how much money they all have. I’m guessing you’re after something a bit more low key.”

“Yeah” James laughed a little. “I mean, I know the basic procedure. You invite people, you say vows, you have cake, you get drunk. But there’s probably a million details that I don’t know anything about.”

“I’m given to understand that the bride usually takes care of the details” Sirius told him. “Of course, you have to actually ask her, first.”

“I know” James sighed. “I just... I want it to be _right_ , you know?”

Sirius studied him for a second with his head tilted to one side.

“What?” James asked, self consciously.

“Prongs, can I give you some advice?” Sirius said, draining the rest of his drink and putting the empty glass back down on the table.

“Sure...” James replied uncertainly.

“You need to let go of this idea of everything being perfect” Sirius said earnestly, shaking his head. “Because seriously, NOTHING ever goes the way you think it will. And sometimes that’s good. Sometimes the memory of it is better, because it’s so IMperfect. You know?”

He had a slightly wistful smile on his face, and even though James knew that for the sake of Sirius’s sanity they shouldn’t be talking about Remus, he couldn’t help but ask.

“You talking about you and Moony?”

Sirius nodded.

“You remember that night? You and Wormy browbeat me into going up to him.”

“Yeah, I remember” James laughed.

“I was rehearsing in my head the whole way up there what I wanted to say, all the different ways I could play it. But when I saw him, it was like my mind just went blank. And in the end, I didn’t say anything at all. I just...” Sirius made an odd gesture that a little bit like a squirmy shrug. He looked uncharacteristically bashful.  

“If the end of that sentence is something dirty, I don’t want to know” James said, holding up a hand.

“No, no” Sirius laughed. “Well, kind of. Not really” he poured himself another drink. James waited for him to go, one eyebrow raised. Sirius lifted his refilled glass to his mouth and took a swig.

“I bit him” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry, what?” James asked incredulously, quite sure he must have misheard. Sirius laughed again.

“I bit him” he said again. “I don't even know why I did it. But my god, James, his reaction...”

“OK, I DEFINITELY don’t need to know that part” James said firmly. Sirius grinned.

“OK, fair enough” he replied. “But that was when I REALLY knew. I was like – my god, this man is perfect.”

“OK...” James said. He really rather thought he could have done without knowing this about Remus, but he guessed it was kind of a sweet story. In a messed up kind of way. He thought he understood what Sirius was getting at. Not that this understanding would stop him from making jokes about it.

“So you’re saying I should ask Lily to marry me by biting her?” James asked, grinning.

“I’m saying... if you two are right, then it will be perfect, no matter how it happens” Sirius told him sagely.

“That’s surprisingly profound, coming from you” James said, picking up his own drink.

“I don’t know why everyone is always so surprised when I drop some wisdom. I’m incredibly intelligent” Sirius shot back.

“Well...” James replied, tilting his head sceptically. Sirius punched him in the arm.


	8. Loss

“Lily... wake up, honey...”

“Mmmm” she replied groggily, still half asleep.

“Lily, you fell asleep on the sofa...”

Well that explained why she was so uncomfortable. She sleepily shifted position, realising just how much her back was aching and then stretching it out. She opened her eyes a crack, scrunching up her face at the blinding light and squinting at James. He was crouched next to the sofa, his face level with hers, and as her eyes slowly came into focus she saw that he was sporting a rather impressive black eye.

Last night’s events came flooding back to her in an instant and she jolted up in a panic.

“What happened?” she demanded. “What- where’s... Remus, is Remus alright?”

“He’s fine” James replied in a soothing tone. “He’s got a few broken bones, but nothing Pomfrey hasn’t seen before. He’s going to stay there in the hospital wing for a couple of days.”

Lily breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing back into the sofa cushions.

“Thank God...” she muttered. She put a hand to James’s face, running her thumb gently under the big bruise around his eye. “What happened to you?”

“Sirius” he replied, smiling grimly. “He was doing alright for most of the night, but then at about 4am we ran out of cigarettes and he freaked out.”

“You were smoking?” Lily frowned disapprovingly. They had agreed that they would both quit. So much for solidarity.

“That’s the part you want to focus on?” James asked incredulously. Lily gave him an unimpressed look, but gestured for him to go on.

“So anyway, he wanted to go out and get some more and I wouldn't let him. And then he started accusing me of trying to _keep him prisoner_ or something” James shrugged.

“But he must have known how crazy it would be to go out and risk being attacked just for cigarettes” Lily replied confusedly.

“Well” James looked a little sheepish and ruffled his hair. “We were both pretty drunk by that point...”

“You let him drink?” Lily sighed. No wonder he’d bloody gotten himself punched.

“Well I wasn’t going to try and stop him” James said defensively. “Anyway, it was probably for the best, he would have leathered me if he was sober. As it was I managed to hold my own.”

“And this was all over cigarettes?” Lily asked. These boys really were idiots.

“No, of course not” James replied. “He was losing his mind worrying about Moony. We started off arguing about the cigs, but then he was screaming about me not letting him go to Remus, and not even caring if Remus lived or died.”

“Jesus...” Lily let out a long exhale. “What did you do?”

“Well, we fought for a little bit, then he started crying” James said, looking very weary. “Then I got him to drink some more and he passed out. I woke him up when Dumbledore’s patronus came through, just after sunrise. He was still drunk, obviously. He’s sleeping it off now.”

Lily nodded. She couldn’t have come up with a worse way to handle that whole situation if she tried, but she supposed she had to give credit to James for getting Sirius through the night. He had always been surprisingly good at handling these things, even if his methods were a bit unorthodox.

“So... what now?” she asked. “Can we go and visit Moony, or...?”

“I dunno” James replied, hauling himself up with a slight groan and perching on the edge of the sofa. Lily moved over to make from for him. “Probably not ” he mused. “We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile, aren’t we? People might ask questions if we show up at Hogwarts.”

“Hmm” Lily agreed. “Alright then, I’m going to make some tea.” She made to get up of the sofa but James put a hand on her knee.

“Hang on, can I...? Can I talk to you about something first?” he asked, looking suddenly nervous.

“Um, sure” Lily replied warily.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad” he laughed a little. “In fact, I think it’s something good. Something really good.” He paused and swallowed nervously, running his hand through his hair again. Lily smiled affectionately and slightly amusedly. If he carried on like that he’d end up looking like he’d been dragged backwards through a hedge.

“I’ve... I’ve been trying to talk to you about it for a while actually, but things just keep... well, anyway, it doesn’t matter” he shook his head. Lily raised an eyebrow inquisitively. She had no idea what he was talking about.

“I think I was waiting for things to be perfect” he went on. “But Sirius said something last night that kind of made sense, about how nothing is ever perfect, you know? And I want you to know that, as far as I’m concerned, everything IS perfect, as long as I have you.”

Lily smiled. Was all this just a really long winded way of James saying ‘I love you'? Honestly, he was so over the top sometimes.

“And so... to that end, I... I wanted to...” James was still talking, but Lily’s attention was diverted as a large owl hovered outside the window, partially obscuring the light coming into the room. James stopped whatever he was saying and turned around in surprise as the owl started tapping on the window with it’s beak.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me...” Lily heard James mutter, sounding frustrated, as she got up and went over to open the window and let it in. It was clutching a letter in its talons, which it dropped onto the window sill and took off again without actually coming inside. Lily watched it go, a little taken-aback, before picking up the letter. It was addressed to her.

“Lily...?” James said from behind her. He still sounded slightly annoyed at the interruption.

“Sorry, love” she said softly as she turned around, tearing open the envelope. “It’s for me.”

“Can you just... can it wait a minute? This is important” James said beseechingly. Lily gave him a supportive smile but couldn’t do as he asked.

“ _This_ might be important” she told him, unfolding the piece of paper from inside the envelope. “It might be about the order. Or Remus...”

She tailed off as she began reading. James was saying something - probably some sort of protest, but all thoughts of anything else had completely left Lily’s head.

_Dear Miss Evans,_

_We regret to inform you of the deaths of Mr Gregory Evans and Mrs Carol Evans. Mr and Mrs Evans were involved in an incident on 16/11/1979 whereby a number of muggles were attacked and killed by unidentified persons, believed to be followers of he-who-must-not-be-named. Investigations into this matter are on-going. The ministry wishes to offer condolences to you for your loss._

_Yours Sincerely_

_Jane Selwyn, Administrative Assistant, Department of Magical Law Enforcement._

“Lily, did you hear what I said?” James asked. He was standing up and holding some sort of small box in his hand, but she didn’t have the mental capacity to wonder what it was right now. She stared blankly at him and his expression changed from indignation to worry.

“They’re dead” she whispered.

“Who?” James asked sharply, crossing the room quickly and tugging the letter from her hands.

“My parents” Lily breathed. She felt like her insides had been hollowed out. So strangely empty.

“Death eaters...” James muttered darkly, scanning the letter. “You don’t think...?”

Lily knew what the end of that sentence was. You don’t think they were targeted, _deliberately_? She was wondering that herself. It was had to imagine that it was purely coincidental, not with all the other attacks on order members. And Dearborn’s disappearance. Now Lily’s parents were dead – was it her fault?

“We need to talk to Dumbledore. Now” James said seriously. Lily shook her head.

“I’ll send him a letter. It doesn’t matter, it’s not exactly time sensitive, is it?” She felt the tears finally start to come. “Its not as if they can be saved” she choked out, putting her hands to her face as she started to sob.

 

-

 

“Lily, I’m so sorry for your loss” Gideon said softly, as Lily greeted him at the doorway of her’s and James’s house. He was wearing a crisp, black suit and looking unusually grave.

Lily smiled graciously, but didn't say anything in response. She had completely lost track of the amount of people who had said that to her over the last couple of weeks, but she still didn’t really know what she was supposed to say back.

“How are you holding up?” Fabian asked, entering the house behind his brother. A lot of people had been asking Lily this too lately, and she didn’t quite know how to respond to that either, other than flat out lying.

“Oh, you know. Keeping busy. Getting by” she replied automatically. “Can I get either of you a drink?”

“I’ll do that” James chimed in. “Tea, anyone?”

The Prewetts both murmured noises of assent, before sitting down next to each other on the sofa as James disappeared into the kitchen. Gideon and Fabian weren’t identical twins, but they did look a lot alike, especially sat next to each other right now wearing matching suits.

“You look nice” Lily told them both. She didn’t think she had ever seen either one of them in muggle clothing before.

“You too” Gideon smiled. Lily responded with a curt nod, again, not sure what the appropriate response would be. She wasn’t exactly trying too hard to look attractive, on today of all days. But she knew the compliment was well intended. In fact, she had spent quite a lot of time in choosing today’s outfit, but it wasn’t because she wanted to look good. It was just a hard thing to do, deciding what to wear to your parents’ funeral.

Remus, Sirius and Peter were all meeting them here to set off together, and Gideon and Fabian had been assigned as protection for the day. Moody had also informed them that there would be a couple of undercover aurors blended into the crowd at the service and the wake, to keep an eye on things. Lily hadn’t concerned herself very much with that – she was much more worried about what Petunia’s reaction would be when Lily showed up escorted by six men. Not that that was going to stop her from doing so, of course. The marauders were a family, and she wanted them all by her side. And if they were all going out together they _definitely_ needed protection.

Just as she was thinking this, the fire roared and Remus stumbled through with a crutch under one arm. Sirius followed immediately behind him, bumping into him and nearly knocking him over, since Remus had barely cleared the grate.

“Oops, sorry Moons. You alright?” Sirius asked, grabbing hold of both Remus and the mantelpiece behind him to steady them both.

“You know what’s NOT fun after you’ve broken your leg in three places?” Remus growled, limping towards the empty armchair. “Spinning through fucking fireplaces” he threw himself down into the chair and Gideon burst out laughing. The others looked to him in surprise.

“That was a brilliant impression of Moody” he said to Remus, still chuckling. Fabian and Sirius joined in the laughter, while Remus looked unamused. Lily walked over to him.

“How are you doing, Remus?” she asked kindly. He looked up at her, looking surprised by the question.

“I’m fine” he said dismissively. “I should be asking _you_ that.”

Lily frowned. Quite apart from anything else, she was really looking forward to a time when all this horrible awkwardness would be over with and she could interact with people _normally_ again.

“Tell you the truth I’m sick of people asking me that” Lily told him quietly, while Sirius and James loudly greeted each other on the other side of the room. “Don’t know what I’m supposed to say...”

“Yeah, I get that” Remus replied with a grim smile. “I guess a better question is... are you sure you want to introduce Sirius to your extended family?”

Lily laughed for what was possibly the first time in days, as she followed Remus’s gaze to see Sirius licking his hand and attempting to smooth down James’s hair.

“It’ll be funny, if nothing else” she smiled.

“Funny, mortifying. It’s a fine line with these two” Remus replied, jerking his head towards them.

“I’m glad you’re here” Lily said warmly, patting Remus’s hand. “Are you alright, though?” she added seriously. “I didn’t know you were still on crutches.”

“One crutch. Singular” he corrected her. “And it’s only because my knee’s still a bit weak. Joints are harder to heal.”

“Wait, one of the three breaks was your knee?” she asked concernedly.

“Yeah” he said calmly. “It’s been a while since I last did that, and apparently my joints don’t just pop back into place like they used to anymore” he grimaced. “I’m getting _old_ , Lils.”

Lily snorted in response.

“You are NOT” she said firmly. “Because if you’re old, then that means _I’m_ old, and I am NOT old, OK?”

“Who’s old?” Sirius asked, coming over to join them. “Are you talking about Moony going grey?”

Remus gave Lily a Look that very plainly said, ‘I told you so.’ She smirked, but as she did so she actually took notice of the fact that Remus’s pale brown hair was indeed peppered with greys. She hadn't noticed before because it blended in with his normal colour quite well, but once you were looking for it, it was quite obvious.

“I think it makes him look dashing” Sirius grinned, combing his fingers delicately through Remus’s hair. Remus looked annoyed and slapped his hands away.

“Get off, your hands have got spit on them” he muttered. Sirius ignored him and swept Remus’s hair off one side of his face.

“Silver fox” he said happily, planting a kiss on Remus’s cheek. Remus tried to retain his annoyed expression, but a smile was coming through.

“Hey” Sirius said, his attention turning to Lily. She braced herself for him to be the millionth person to ask how she was doing.

“We're all here, yeah?” he said to her surprise, snaking an arm over her shoulders. “Anything you need.”

Lily gave him a genuine smile followed by a brief hug.

“Thank you” she whispered, wiping her watery eyes as they parted. He nodded, giving her a supportive smile.

“I’ve even got some Marlboro Lights” he said quietly, leaning in conspiratorially, his arm still around her shoulders. Lily laughed. That was her favourite brand of cigarettes. “I won’t tell James if you don’t” he added.

“That sounds fucking amazing” she replied wistfully. “But I can’t...”

Sirius looked at her inquisitively and Lily became momentarily flustered as she realised she would have to give a reason why.

“Well, my sister already thinks I’m some sort of degenerate” Lily offered. “I can’t let her see me smoking as well.”

“Maybe later, then” Sirius smiled, giving her a slight squeeze.

Lily was saved the necessity of having to respond to this by Peter arriving through the floo. They hadn’t seen him in a little while and Lily was surprised by how much weight he had lost. Apparently she wasn’t the only one.

“Pete, fucking hell, where’s the rest of you?” James asked incredulously. Everyone else laughed.

“Thanks for noticing mate, I see you haven’t changed at all” Peter replied, hugging him.

Sirius went over to greet him too and Lily turned to Remus to ask if he needed help getting up, as they really ought to be going soon. She was surprised, however, to see Remus looking at Peter with his eyes narrowed, looking rather concerned. She looked for herself at Peter again, and thought she understood why Remus was troubled by his appearance. Peter had always carried around a little bit of excess weight, so Lily would have thought that losing it would work in his favour. However he didn’t look better for it, or particularly healthy in general. There were bags under his eyes, and his skin was very pale. He looked almost sick. Lily wondered if the war really was taking it’s toll on him. He had been practically beside himself that day that James and Sirius were attacked in muggle London. She didn’t really have time to dwell on this, however.

“Right, everyone, I think we’d better head out” James announced to the room, looking to Lily for confirmation. She gave a nod.

“Yeah. I just want to remind everyone that as far as everyone else at this funeral knows, my parents died in a gas explosion” she told them all, looking around the room. No one was laughing anymore and they were all looking quite grim. Lily didn’t especially like being the one to do that to them all, but this had to be said. “My sister and her husband will know that we’re wizards, but they don’t know anything about the death eater attack. And I want to keep it that way. Understood?”

Everyone nodded. A few people muttered in agreement.

“Thanks” Lily added quietly. James walked over to her and put an arm around her reassuringly.

“OK” Fabian stood up, looking business-like. “Let’s talk safety protocol...”

 

-

 

Lily walked purposefully across the room at the wake, towards Petunia. Due to a rigorous safety briefing by Gid and Fab, and a bit of unexpected traffic, they had arrived quite late to the chapel - only minutes before the service was due to start. As a result, Lily had barely had time to exchange a cold greeting with her sister. But the encounter had been long enough for Lily to see the small but nonetheless noticeable baby bump on her older sibling.

Petunia had her hand resting on it now. She was stood next to that awful husband of hers and they were both smiling, apparently receiving congratulations from someone Lily vaguely recognised as an old friend of her parents. As she approached, the elderly gentleman turned to her looking pleasantly surprised.

“Lily, dear, how wonderful to see you” he smiled. Lily racked her brains, but couldn’t for the life of her remember the man’s name.

“Yes, you too” she smiled politely, shaking his hand.

“Lily, you remember _Hector?_ ” Petunia said pointedly, glaring at Lily as though she was being horribly rude. Lily refrained from giving her a dirty look, looking back to Hector instead.

“Yes, of course” she lied. “Thank you so much for coming.”

Hector waved a hand airily, as though to say it was nothing.

“I daresay I haven’t travelled as far as you” he replied. “Important business woman, living in the big city” he nudged her playfully with an elbow. “Your parents were very proud of you, you know.”

Lily could see Petunia fuming in her peripheral vision. She hastily changed the subject.

“Well, I’m regretting not visiting more often” Lily told him kindly, looking meaningfully at Petunia. “I only just heard Tuney’s big news.”

Petunia had the good grace to look slightly ashamed of herself for that.

“Well, she wanted to tell you in person” Vernon replied gruffly, looking at Lily with dislike, curling a protective arm around his wife. “It’s hardly the sort of conversation to have over the telephone.”

Lily stared defiantly back at him. She knew that this was a dig about her not having a phone, even though she had explained to Petunia a dozen times why one wouldn't work in a magical house. Not that they ever would have called her anyway.

“Oh, I quite agree” Hector said, oblivious to all of this. “Everything is so impersonal these days...”

Lily felt a gentle hand on the small of her back and turned her head to see James joining them. She smiled warmly at him, and shot Petunia and Vernon a warning look, as they were both eying him distastefully.

“Oh, hello” Hector said, offering his hand to James. “Don’t believe we’ve met.”

“James Potter” he replied cordially, shaking Hector’s hand. “I’m Lily’s boyfriend.”

Lily scowled at the smug look on Petunia’s face as he said this. She knew that her sister considered their relationship to have little value, since they weren't married.  

“Hector is an old friend of my parents” Lily explained to James. “We were just talking about Petunia’s good news.”

“Yes” Hector smiled sagely. “In the midst of all this” he gestured around the room. “A new life. It’s a blessing, isn’t it?”

Lily smiled a little.

“Yes” she agreed. “Yes it is.”

“Yeah, um, congratulations” James offered awkwardly. Vernon merely glared back, and Petunia gave a stiff nod of acknowledgement.

Perhaps finally sensing the tension, Hector excused himself to go and talk to someone else, leaving the four of them. As soon as he was out of earshot, Lily dispensed with the pleasantries.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me” she hissed at Petunia.

“I’m surprised you even care” Petunia replied coldly. “You said it yourself, if you’d even bothered to visit in the past four months then you might have found out sooner.”

“Don’t put that on me, you must know how much I regret that now” Lily shot back, stung by this.

“It isn’t her fault” James chimed in. “The war on our end is escalating, we’re all-“

“Do NOT talk about that here” Vernon interrupted him through gritted teeth, while Petunia looked worriedly around to make sure they hadn’t been overheard.

“Fine” Lily snapped at the pair of them. If they had even the slightest idea of what was going on in the wizarding world...

“But we WILL need to talk about it later, we have to discuss your protection” she added firmly. Petunia’s eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“That’s why you brought your _entourage_ , is it?” she asked, looking behind Lily, presumably at her friends. “Honestly, showing up with seven men, I don’t know what I’m going to tell people...”

“They’re my _friends_ , Petunia – wait, what? Seven?” Lily was confused. “You mean six?”

“No, seven” Petunia replied dispassionately, gesturing behind Lily. Lily turned around – Sirius and Remus were talking to each other over by the bar. Peter was by the refreshments table with Gideon. Fabian was leaning casually against a column a little way away, scouting out the room.

“Five” Lily said, gesturing to the boys behind her as she turned back to Petunia. “Six” she pointed to James, next to her, frowning confusedly.

“And the one outside” Petunia said, with the air of someone explaining something to a child.

Lily and James exchanged an uneasy glance. Who else could possibly be here that Petunia would recognise as being one of Lily’s associates? Or was it just someone dressed in wizards robes? Was it possible the death eaters were here?

“Who did you see outside?” Lily demanded. James turned around, looking carefully around the room with his hand in his pocket, no doubt clutching his wand.

“That horrible boy you used to hang around with when we were younger” Petunia replied, her tone disapproving. “The one from Spinners End. _I_ certainly didn’t invite him.”

Lily gaped at her in shock.

“Severus?” she asked, incredulously. Petunia merely shrugged, as though his name was beneath her notice. Lily looked to James, who was no longer looking around, but was still gripping his wand, his jaw clenched.

“ _Snape?”_ he asked Lily, his eyes narrowed seriously.

“I don’t know” Lily replied helplessly. “If he _is_ here, I’d better go and talk to him.”

“Like hell you will” James said fiercely. “What if he’s here to-“ James glanced at Petunia and Vernon, who were watching this exchange with matching, unimpressed expressions. “Excuse us” he said curtly to them, before dragging Lily away by the hand, striding towards the exit into the building foyer. His eyes darted around the room as they went, catching Sirius’s and giving him a dark look.

“What if he’s here to _finish the job?_ ” James hissed, once they were in the deserted lobby.

“Don’t be so ridiculous” Lily replied dismissively. “He would never hurt me, or my family.”

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked as he joined them, looking equally as tense as James.

“Snape is here” James told him seriously. Sirius’s expression turned dangerous.

“We don’t know that” Lily interjected quickly. “Petunia thought she saw him earlier.”

“Well if he IS here, we’ll be ready for him” Sirius said menacingly, drawing his wand. Lily turned around as she heard Remus hobbling towards them, his crutch creaking every time he put weight on it.

“What are you doing?” he hissed. “Sirius, put that away!”

“Snape is here” Sirius growled in response. Remus stopped in his tracks a couple of feet away from them looking shocked.

“Oh my god, will everyone please calm down” Lily said exasperatedly, trying to inject some common sense into the situation. “We don’t know for sure that he’s here, but even if he IS, that doesn’t mean he’s a threat. We used to be friends, maybe he just wants to offer his condolences.”

“Or maybe he’s spying on the Order, for his new boss” James countered. Lily shook her head in frustration. They had been over this a million times, both in and out of order meetings.

“We _don’t know_ that he’s a death eater” she insisted.

“Oh come off it, Lily” Sirius argued. “Is that not WHY you’re not friends anymore? He was up to his neck in dark magic back when we knew him.”

“But we were just kids” Lily replied desperately.

“Just kids?” Sirius replied coldly. “Lily, I know this was before your time in the marauders and everything, but I had to grow up pretty DAMN fast back when were at Hogwarts. Moony too, before that, even. You can’t even begin to imagine what the four of us collectively went through before we were even of age. Believe me, we were never _just kids_ , not for as long as you’ve known us.”

“That’s not what I meant” Lily said, smacking her forehead in frustration. Sirius was impossible to argue with.

“And Snape” Sirius went on. “He might have played the naive and innocent card to you, but he KNEW what he was doing. And he did some pretty fucked up shit to us back then.”

“Look” she implored him. “I know that. I remember, OK? What he did to you, to all of you, back then – it was awful. He’s a fucking arsehole. A complete shit, of the highest order. But that doesn’t mean he’s a death eater! You can’t just going around throwing accusations like-“

“WHAT are you four doing?” Gideon interrupted, standing imposingly in the doorway. “Are we setting up some sort of trap using you lot as bait that I don’t know about? Get back in here!”

“Gid, we think Snape is here” James told him quickly, before Lily could say anything.

“What? Severus Snape?” he asked, looking confused.

“Look, he’s an old friend, I’m sure he just came to see me” Lily said beseechingly. “Just let me go and find him.”

James and Sirius both made noises of protest, but Gideon was the one to respond.

“No, that’s out of the question. You’re coming with me, now, all of you” he said authoritatively to the four of them, then spoke into his watch. “Fab, we have a potential rogue. Keep your eyes peeled for Severus Snape. I have Evans.”

“Copy that” came Fabians voice from out of his watch. Lily took a second to be impressed by this. They had obviously used some sort of communication charm, similar to the ones on the two way mirrors that James and Sirius had.

“Come on” Gideon said, holding Lily’s upper arm and steering her back into the main room.

“I really don’t think this is necessary” Lily told him, trying to yank her arm free. He held on tight, not hurting her, but not letting her go either.

“Well, that’s not for you to decide” Gideon replied simply. “I’m pulling rank, I’m afraid.”

The room looked exactly as it had a moment ago, with lots of people milling about; some wearing sombre expressions, some talking in small groups, laughing and reminiscing fondly.  Lily felt a stab of annoyance that nothing today was going how it was supposed to. She was supposed to BE one of those people, alternating between mourning the loss of her parents and remembering the good times she had had with them. But instead here she was, spitefully arguing with Petunia (and being _jealous_ , of all things, about how Petunia had it so easy compared to Lily - how she was going to be able to raise her baby knowing that they were all safe). And now this. Not only was she furious that Severus had dared to show his face here, after everything that they had all been through, but what if James and Sirius were right? What if his presence meant that they truly were in danger?  
  
They all stood around tensely, scanning the room for signs of anything unusual. A few people looked their way inquisitively, but Lily didn’t care. After a couple of minutes, Lily heard Fabian’s voice quietly coming out of Gideon’s watch again.  
  
"Gid. I’ve got him, he was loitering on the terrace. Says he came to see Lily."  
  
"Is he alone?" Gideon replied furtively into his wrist.  
  
"He says so, yes. He’s wearing muggle clothes, reckon he might be telling the truth."  
  
Gideon looked to Lily. He seemed uncertain how to proceed.  
  
"Let me talk to him" Lily asked him calmly. "Please."  
  
Gideon hesitated for a moment, apparently weighing this up, but then gave her a nod. As Lily started to walk in the direction of the terrace, James followed.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked incredulously.  
  
"Coming with you" he replied, frowning.  
  
"No you’re not" she told him firmly. "James, this is my parents' funeral, I’m not going to have you two having a fist fight in the middle of it."  
  
"I wouldn’t do that" he said defensively. "I mean, not unless he provoked me."  
  
"You two have always been incapable of speaking without provoking each other" Lily said in a no-nonsense tone. "He came to see ME. I’LL deal with it."  
  
James looked like he wanted to argue, but faltered under her stern gaze. He fell back and let her go ahead alone.  
  
When she reached the garden, it was deserted apart from Fabian and a rather dishevelled looking Severus, who was wearing a shabby muggle suit and presumably had just been collared by Fab. He had a rather desperate air about him and visibly sighed in relief as Lily walked out. However, far from winning her favour, coming face to face with Severus only reminded Lily of all the horrible things he had said and done in their later years of school. Even though she had been defending him mere moments ago, she actually wasn’t sure now that she wanted to speak to him after all.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked flatly, without even saying hello. Severus looked uneasily at Fabian, evidently wanting to speak to Lily alone. She said nothing, looking back at Severus expectantly. She knew that even if she did ask, Fabian wouldn’t consent to leaving her alone with him. Besides, she had a feeling it would probably be a good idea to have a witness to this conversation.  
  
"I wanted to say I’m sorry" he offered quietly.  
  
"Why?" Lily replied immediately. "Did you have something to do with it?"  
  
"What? No! Of course not!" he said frantically. Lily studied him carefully. He did seem sincere. But then, he had always been a good actor.  
  
"I meant, I’m sorry for your loss" he explained. He genuinely did look very sorry. Lily softened ever so slightly.

“Well... thanks...” she said quietly.

“Its good to see you” Severus went on, evidently emboldened by this. “I’ve wanted to speak to you for a while. I don’t like the way... the way we left things...”

“Oh yeah?” Lily asked, genuinely intrigued. Was she about to get an apology from him? He glanced awkwardly at Fabian again, who still clearly had no intention of leaving and merely raised an eyebrow.

“It’s just that... _Potter_... He always made me so...” Severus was balling his fists, looking frustrated. Lily narrowed her eyes.

“Before you finish that sentence, Severus, you ought to know that I’m still with him” Lily told him warningly.

“Yes, I’m aware” Severus replied, scowling. “I’ve always thought you could do better. I still do.”

“Better than what, exactly?” Lily asked him. She didn’t like the way that this was going. Not at all. “You don’t think I have a mind of my own? You don’t think I’d be with him if he didn’t make me happy?”

“No” Severus replied uncomfortably. He looked like this conversation wasn’t really going the way HE wanted it to either. “I just... He can’t keep you safe. As long as you’re with _that lot_ you’re in danger.”

Lily noticed Fabian narrow his eyes at this, but he didn’t interrupt them.

“And YOU can, is that it?” Lily asked sceptically.

“I think maybe I’m the only one who can” Severus said quietly, looking at her hopefully.

“So that’s why you’re really here, is it?” Lily demanded.  “You want me to, what, run away with you? Turn my back on all my friends? And the man I love?”

Severus visibly flinched at the word ‘love.’ She almost felt bad for beating him over the head with it, but he couldn’t honestly think she’d leave James for him. How delusional was he?

“I love you, Lily” he said boldly. “I always have. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. Can _he_ say the same?”

Lily sighed. She looked at Fabian, who looked extremely taken aback by this turn of events.

“Fab, can you give us a minute?” she asked him quietly. He looked between her and Severus for a second before nodding in agreement and then going inside. She saw him wait by the door, with his back to them.

“Severus” Lily said wearily. She was going to have to tell him. It was the only way he was going to get it into his thick head that her and James were serious. He was still looking at her hopefully.

“James and I are going to have a baby” she told him. She watched as the shock of this sunk in, his expressions working through surprised, to bewildered, to slightly angry.

“We’re a family” she went on. “Understand? And nothing you say is going to make me walk away from him. So if that's all you came here for then you’re wasting your time.”

“He’s going to get you killed!” Severus cried. “Look” he grabbed hold of both of her hands, apparently going for broke. “It’s not too late. Come with me, I'll raise the baby with you. As long as you're with me, the death eaters can’t touch you. Or your baby.”

“And why is that?!” Lily asked angrily, snatching her hands away. “Because you’re one of them?!”

Severus squirmed uncomfortably at this.

“I can keep you safe” he repeated, avoiding the question.

“So long as I join you? And the death eaters?” Lily replied, disgustedly. “The same ones who KILLED my parents. Who have been hunting down my friends? You can’t be serious.”

“You don’t have to _join_ ” Severus said helplessly. “Just stop fighting.”

“I’ll die before I stop fighting for what’s right!” she told him defiantly.

“Then you’re going to die in this war” he retorted angrily.

“Well at least I’ll die doing the right thing. Which is more than you’ve ever done” she spat back at him. “You’re a coward. And you disgust me. Now fuck off, before I call James and Sirius out here to kick your arse.”

Severus looked like he wanted to argue some more, but he must have realised that there was no point. He gave her one last regretful look before turning on the spot and disapparating. Lily stood staring at the spot where he had disappeared.

That was the first time she had said it out loud. Severus was the first person she had told about the baby. Suddenly it all felt a million times more real. More scary. She put both her hands over her face and took a deep breath as her heart started racing.

“Hey, everything alright?” Fabian’s voice was gentle, but slightly concerned. Lily lowered her hands and swallowed the lump in her throat. She adopted as neutral an expression as she could before turning around.

“Yeah, I told him to piss off” she told Fabian, giving him a grim smile. “Showing up at my parent’s funeral to try and get me to leave James for him, can you imagine? The nerve...”

“Yeah, that was pretty crazy” Fabian replied a little awkwardly. “He didn’t... say anything else, did he?”

“He as good as admitted that he’s a death eater now” Lily told him. She felt a horrible stab of loss as she did so, that made little sense. They hadn’t been friends in years, and she supposed part of her had always known this was how he’d end up. But she guessed that part of her had always hoped he might do better.

“He’s not coming back is he?” Fabian asked, looking grave. “With his _friends_?”

Lily shook her head.

“No. But we should probably watch our backs in the future.”


	9. Secrets

Sirius untied the letter from a large tawny owl’s leg at the kitchen window, while Remus was sat on the sofa engrossed in a book. The letter was addressed to Remus, in Dumbledore’s loopy handwriting. Dumbledore never wrote to either of them individually concerning the Order, so Sirius could only imagine it had something to do with Remus’s latest transformation in the Shack. He really hoped that Dumbledore wasn’t going to suggest that they make it a regular thing, because as much as Remus had insisted he was fine afterwards, he clearly wasn’t. He was no longer using crutches, thank God, but he still had quite a heavy limp.   

“Letter from the boss” Sirius said quietly, dropping the letter onto Remus’s lap as he sat down next to him. Remus appeared to tense up at this, looking down at the letter with his brow furrowed.

“Don’t worry, I don’t think anyone is dead” Sirius said flippantly, trying to lighten the mood. “It would be addressed to both of us if that's what it was.”

“Mmm hmm” Remus replied non-committally, putting his book down and standing up with some difficulty. Sirius stood up to help him, as Remus's knee was trembling dangerously when he put weight on it.

“Thanks” Remus replied gruffly, and began shuffling towards the bedroom. Sirius watched him go confusedly for a moment, before trotting after him. As he reached the bedroom doorway, he saw Remus ripping open the envelope over by the wardrobe, with his back to the door. Sirius cleared his throat and Remus turned around looking extremely guilty, clutching the letter protectively to his chest.

“Why don’t you want me to see what it says?” Sirius asked incredulously. Remus continued to look guilty and Sirius could tell his mind was racing, looking for some sort of excuse. He stepped into the room towards Remus, reaching out to him.

“Rem, what’s going on?” he asked softly, putting a gentle hand on Remus’s bicep. Remus looked pained.

“It’s... there’s something Dumbledore asked me not to tell you” Remus admitted hesitantly. A few things slotted into place in Sirius’s head.

“Was this in your clandestine meeting, just after me and James were attacked in London?” he asked. Remus looked surprised.

“I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m such a moron” Sirius said, laughing a little and slipping an arm around Remus, pulling him into an embrace. “Its alright, I know” he muttered quietly, kissing Remus through his hair. “He suspects me, right?”

“What?” Remus asked, pulling back and looking confused. “Why do you think that?”

“You’re saying he doesn’t?” Sirius said, feeling just as confused as Remus looked. If this wasn’t about that, then what was it about?

“Well...” Remus was looking at him carefully, as though weighing up how honest he ought to be. “He said he didn’t know what you might do, if someone were to threaten Regulus.”

“Is that what everyone thinks?” Sirius demanded, hurt by this. “That I’d sell out the Order to protect my death eater brother?”

“That’s not what _I_ think” Remus replied firmly. Sirius felt his anger soften and Remus pulled him back closer, putting an affectionate hand on Sirius’s face, his fingers curling around his neck. “And that’s not really what we talked about. But that’s why he doesn’t want me to tell you.”

“But if that’s not what you think, then why can’t you tell me?” Sirius argued. He didn’t like this at all. He and Remus didn’t keep secrets from each other. Not ever.

“Because he asked me not to” Remus said uncomfortably, retracting his hand. Sirius felt his anger resurge.

“Right, and you’ll _never_ go against his word, will you?” he said coldly.

“Sirius, don’t do that. He has his reasons, OK?” Remus said imploringly.

“Oh I’m sure he does” Sirius replied angrily. “And I’m sure it has nothing to do with him thinking I’m working for Voldemort” he shook his head, turning away from Remus. “I guess you never really do outrun the Black reputation, do you?” he muttered to himself.

“For fucks sake, Sirius, this is NOT about YOU” Remus shot back, now sounding quite annoyed himself. “Not EVERYTHING is about you and the fucking house of Black.”

“So what IS it about then?” Sirius asked, looking back at him. His still injured leg was shaking and he was shifting uncomfortably on the spot. “And for God’s sake, will you sit down before you hurt yourself?” he added irritably. Remus gave him a dirty look, but sank down onto the bed, groaning with pain as he bent his knee. He took a deep breath, his face scrunched up.

“Shall I get you a pain potion?” Sirius asked him seriously, concern overtaking the anger. Remus shook his head, his expression hardened.

“I’m fine” he said gruffly. Sirius didn’t know why he was so determined never to accept help from anyone.

“You’re not. And I’m getting you one” Sirius told him firmly. “Stay there. Read your bloody secret letter while I go and get it.”

Sirius went to go and fetch the potion from the large stock they had in a box in one of the kitchen cupboards. When he returned Remus had set the letter down face up on the bed next to him and was massaging his knee delicately. As Sirius approached him he could see that it was barely a letter at all – there was only one sentence written on the parchment. He sat down on Remus's other side taking care not to move the mattress too much and wordlessly handed Remus the bottle. Remus accepted it and picked up the letter, handing it to Sirius, his expression neutral.

_Any closer to a decision?_

That was all it said. Sirius flipped the parchment over to see if there was anything on the other side, but no, that’s was it. He looked at Remus, nonplussed.

“Am I supposed to know what this means?” he asked without anger. Remus was taking a large swig from the potion bottle and didn’t answer right away. He grimaced at the taste of the medicine and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. When he spoke his voice was quite hoarse.

“Dumbledore offered me a mission. A secret mission” Remus told him. Sirius was taken aback. He hadn’t been expecting that. “And I needed some time to think about it. He wants to know if I’ve made up my mind. If I’m going to take it, or not.”

“And you can’t tell me what it is?” Sirius asked, already knowing the answer. Remus shook his head wearily.

“No, I wish I could. But I can’t tell _anyone_.”

Sirius considered him for a moment as Remus looked down at his knees. Remus often looked much older than he really was, having experienced so much suffering as he had. Not to mention the physical trauma of his condition prematurely aging him. There were creases beginning to form around his eyes already, and his hair was streaked with greys. But Sirius didn’t think he’d ever seen him looking so much like the weight of the world was upon him as he did right now. He put a gentle hand under Remus’s chin, tilting his head up so they were face to face and giving him a soft peck on the lips.

“That doesn’t mean you’re on your own, love” he said. Remus nodded, his expression hardened with emotion, and then leant in to kiss Sirius again.

“Can you tell me _anything?_ ” Sirius asked as they parted. Remus sighed heavily.

“I’d be away from home for a while” he said sadly. “Completely out of touch.”

“Where?” Sirius asked worriedly. Remus gave him a pained look. Obviously he couldn't tell him that, so Sirius tried for a different question. “Would you be safe?”

Remus huffed out a small laugh, which only served to make Sirius more anxious.

“Define safe” he said smiling grimly.

“You know what I mean you twat” Sirius replied, annoyed. “Are you going to be sleeping on the street, or what? How dangerous are we talking?”

“I don't really know” Remus admitted. “But I’d probably have to spend at least one full moon away.”

“ _No_ ” Sirius told him fiercely. “Absolutely not. You’re not doing that to me again, Remus! You have NO IDEA how fucking awful it was, not knowing if you were alright or not.” As far as he was concerned that decided it. There was no way he would let Remus be away from him for the full, ever again.

"Sirius, we've been over this" Remus replied, starting to sound annoyed again. "I don't need you to fucking hold my hand through every transformation."

"Like fuck you don't" Sirius argued. "The fact that you can barely stand right now undermines your point a little, Moony."

"What is it you think I did before you came along, Padfoot?" Remus shot back, the volume of his voice slowly increasing. "Because I was a werewolf for QUITE a long time before I even met you, you know. And I managed just fine."

"That's BULLSHIT" Sirius was yelling now. "Broken nose, broken jaw, broken SPINE! Snapped ligaments, critical blood loss, scars ALL over your fucking body! Don't you fucking forget that I'm the one who _noticed_ you were NOT fine! I'm the one who promised to make it better."

"Because you can't take no for an answer!" Remus shouted back. "Because you don't ever just mind your own fucking business. It's no wonder Dumbledore doesn't fucking trust you!"

A ringing silence followed in which Sirius stared blankly at Remus in shock, feeling like he'd just been slapped in the face. Remus appeared to realise what he had just said, and looked horrified with himself.

"I'm sorry" he said quickly. "I didn't mean that, I just..." he looked at Sirius in a very pained way. "You're being selfish."

"FUCK you Remus" Sirius spat, not at all ready to accept his apology. Not when he'd tacked that insult onto the end of it. Sirius stood up and took a few paces away, putting some distance between them. "You want to make this personal? Fine! I think you're running headfirst into a dangerous situation just because Dumbledore clicked his fingers. Because you feel like you fucking OWE him something just because he treated you like a fucking human being! It's pathetic!"

"Not as pathetic as the man who can't let go of his fucking childhood fantasy of his brother being a good person! And someone who wouldn't stab him in the back and sell ALL of us to Voldemort, despite ALL of the fucking evidence that that's exactly the case!" Remus roared. Every word cut through Sirius like a knife. Remus didn't go off like this very often, but when he did he sure knew how to hurt. "Maybe if you could then I wouldn't have to keep this from you."

"I don't think it's just Dumbledore who doesn't trust me" Sirius yelled. "I think it's YOU! I think YOU told him that I'd turn on everyone if Reg asked me to!"

"FUCK YOU SIRIUS" Remus shouted back. "I actually went in there and defended you, for your fucking information. Because I TRUST you. But obviously you don't trust me, do you?!"

"No, you're right, I don't!" Sirius cried. "Because you don't value your fucking life! You call me selfish, but you NEVER even consider what it's like for me when you put yourself in danger!"

"Some things are more important than your fucking feelings!" Remus screeched back. That was the final straw for Sirius. He couldn't even look at him anymore.

"Well I guess that's the difference between you and me" he said coldly, walking out of the room. " _Nothing_ is more important to me than you."

 

-

 

Sirius climbed out of the fireplace in James’s living room, telling himself that it was the soot from the floo that was making his eyes sting and the back of his throat burn, and nothing else. Dumbledore hadn’t disconnected the floo again after the funeral, which Sirius was eternally grateful for because it least he had somewhere to escape to.

“Prongs?” he called out, his voice breaking with an embarrassing waver half way through. He cleared his throat hastily. “Prongs?!” he called again in a much lower register.

He heard someone padding down the stairs, but it was much too light a step for it to be James.

“Lily?” he asked. A moment later, she appeared in the doorway.

“Hey” she said softly. Even though it was the middle of the day she was wearing a dressing gown and looking very tired. He wondered if maybe she was sick. “James is at Gid and Fab's, he’s helping them with something for the Order. Something to do with maps, I don’t know.”

Sirius managed a half smile.

“We make one bloody map and now he thinks he’s an expert” he shook his head. “Moony did most of the work anyway...” Sirius felt his stomach turn to lead as he said his name. This must have shown on his face, as Lily suddenly looked concerned.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Where IS Remus?”

Sirius sighed heavily and collapsed down onto the sofa, massaging his forehead with his fingers.

“We had a row” he said flatly. That was a bit of an understatement really, considering all the horrible things they had just screamed at each other, but he didn’t really want to go over it all again. “Can I just lay low here for a bit?”

“Course” Lily replied, patting him on the shoulder. “I’ll put the kettle on.”

Sirius sat in uncomfortable silence while she made tea in the kitchen. He was relaying the argument in his head, trying to figure out exactly what had gone wrong. He knew he had said some hurtful things to Remus, but god damn, Remus had practically torn him to shreds. _Some things are more important than your feelings..._ Was that really how he felt? Was Sirius really so unimportant to him?

“You want to talk about it, or...?” Lily asked, cutting through Sirius’s train of thought. He startled slightly at the interruption, and then accepted a large mug of tea from her. He wrapped his hands around the hot cup, the way Remus always did. It was sort of soothing.

“I dunno. Not really” he replied quietly. Lily nodded and drank her own tea in silence, perching on the arm of the sofa and looking down at Sirius. The clock on the wall was ticking SO loudly in the quiet room that Sirius wanted to hit it with a disintegration curse. He had always hated sitting in silence like this. It reminded him of Grimmauld Place.

“Fine!” he burst out in annoyance after a few minutes, and Lily looked mildly smug. He knew exactly what she was doing. She knew full well if she went for long enough without saying anything that Sirius would start talking just to fill in the silence. She did it to him all the time. And he walked right into it, every single time.

“Dumbledore’s given him a secret mission” he told her. “He can’t tell me anything about it, because my brother is a death eater, which obviously means I’m the leak” he added moodily. Lily frowned at him.

 “Did Remus say that?” she asked seriously.

“Something to that effect” Sirius shrugged, scowling.

“I see” she said, putting her tea down on the table and giving him her full attention. “So what he ACTUALLY said was probably something like, the death eaters might try and use Reg to get to you.”

“It comes to the same thing, doesn’t it?” Sirius replied dismissively. “I can’t be trusted, because of him.”

“Pads, you idiot” Lily said sternly, sounding very much like James. “This isn’t about _trust_. It’s about leverage. Imagine the death eaters had James – is there anything you wouldn’t do to save him?”

“Nothing” Sirius replied without missing a beat.

“Exactly!” she said, gesticulating for emphasis. “So what about Reg?”

Sirius hesitated. He had given the matter a great deal of thought over the years, especially in the last month or so, but he still wasn’t really sure how he felt about Regulus these days. He obviously felt some sort of residual loyalty and a sense of protectiveness over the kid. But did he mean as much to Sirius anymore as James did? He thought the answer was probably not. But where did that leave him? How far exactly would Sirius go to save his real brother?

“I would never sell out the Order for him” Sirius insisted. Of that, at least, he was certain.

“But would you maybe throw away some seemingly insignificant details? Some information about missions that you thought probably couldn't be traced directly back to us?” she probed.

“No!” Sirius said defiantly.

“No?” Lily asked disbelievingly. Sirius’s resolve started to crumble, but he still couldn’t bring himself to admit it. Lily obviously sensed him starting to break, as she climbed over the sofa towards Sirius, kneeling next to him and putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Because I know I would” she said softly. “My sister is a bitch, and she _hates_ me. But if they had her, and all they wanted to know was what Remus had been doing on his mission... I’d tell them. If I knew it would save her. I’d tell them in an instant.”

Sirius felt the tears rolling down his face before he even realised he was crying. Lily had hold of his hand now and was looking at him with sympathy.

“But doesn’t that make me a fucking terrible person?” Sirius asked, scrunching up his face and wiping his eyes with the hand that wasn’t being clutched by Lily.

“Of course not” she replied, squeezing his hand. “He’s your _brother_ , Sirius.”

“But he’s NOT, is he?” Sirius said, shaking his head. “He thinks I’m fucking scum, and quite frankly the feeling is mutual. Why do I still care?”

“Because you love him” Lily said calmly. This only served to make Sirius cry even more. Lily dropped his hand and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly.

“I tried, Lils” he choked out. “I tried so hard. I wanted to get him out of there. I wanted him to not be...”

“I know” Lily said quietly.

“And now Remus HATES me too” he sobbed. Lily laughed a little.

“I guarantee you, he doesn’t” she said softly. “But he can be a right horrible bastard when he’s angry, can’t he?”

Sirius nodded.

“So can you, mind” she added calmly. “I bet you both said things you didn’t mean.”

Sirius’s sobs had started to subside, but he hadn’t quite calmed down yet.

“I think he meant it” he told her sadly. “He said this mission is more important than my feelings getting hurt.”

“Well...” Lily mused, still holding Sirius in the hug. “Maybe it is. It must be important, if it’s so top secret. Maybe there are lives on the line.”

Sirius squirmed out of her arms to scowl at her.

“So that means he should just lay down HIS life, does it?” he demanded.

“I’m sure no one’s asking him to do that” Lily replied reasonably.

“He said he’d need to be away from home for the full moon” Sirius told her. “No contact whatsoever.”

“Oh” Lily said, her expression darkening. “I see...”

“Yeah” Sirius sighed resignedly, leaning back into her for another hug. She wrapped her arms loosely around him automatically.

“Shit... well, it’s no wonder you argued” she said understandingly. Sirius nodded again.

“Does he _want_ to go?” Lily asked, after a pause.

“Dunno” Sirius replied. “I told him he can’t do that to me again. He accused me of being selfish. Then all rationality went out of the window.”

“Selfish...” even though his face was buried in her shoulder, Sirius could tell from her tone that Lily was scowling in disapproval. “Does he even know what it was like for you, last month?”

“I don’t think he cares” Sirius told her flatly. “He thinks I overreact about it. I think he forgets just how much I’ve _seen_.”

“Did you tell him that?” Lily asked.

“Yeah. He played the _I was a werewolf before I was with you_ card. Like I haven’t known him since he was eleven... It’s beside the point anyway, the wolf is stronger now. He forgets that, too.”

“He forgets a lot, doesn’t he?” Lily said, still in that disapproving tone. Sirius was incredibly grateful to feel like he wasn’t being crazy or unreasonable. To have someone else understand. “Maybe we should remind him” she added darkly.

Sirius wriggled out of the hug again. He was actually feeling an awful lot better now. Things were always better with Evans on his side.

“Let him cool off first” he advised her. “You know what he’s like.”

She nodded and gave him a supportive smile.

“Thanks” Sirius added, sincerely.

“More tea?” she offered, picking up his empty mug and her half-drunk, now stone-cold one.

“Actually...” Sirius ventured. “Do you mind if I have a smoke?”

“No” Lily laughed. “Go ahead. I think I’ve still got an ashtray in the kitchen.”

She went to go and fetch it, returning as Sirius was lighting his cigarette and taking a deep inhale. He felt some of the tension melt out of his shoulders as he exhaled slowly. Lily watched him longingly.

“You can have one if you want” he told her, slightly amused. “It doesn’t mean you still haven’t quit, but I’m sure no-one would begrudge you a one off. After everything.”

She shook her head.

“No. I can’t” she said, shuffling uncomfortably. “Its driving me mad – And don’t think I don’t know that James is still at it every time I’m not around! But I’m doing so well.”

“Yeah you are” Sirius conceded. “But why’d you want to quit in the first place?”

“Um, because it’s really bad for you” Lily replied incredulously. There was something in her expression though... Sirius couldn’t quite put his finger on why, but he got the sense she wasn’t telling him the truth.

“I don’t buy it” he said, scrutinizing her. “Never bothered you before. We could all be dead tomorrow, so why suffer through quitting smoking? YOU especially. You love smoking.”

“Maybe I’m planning for the future” she argued. “You can’t use the _we could all be dead tomorrow_ excuse forever. Because what if we’re not? What if we live to old age and you're breathing through an iron lung, what then eh?” she smirked.

“That why you stopped drinking, too?” Sirius probed. Lily looked very taken aback by this. He could tell she thought she’d gotten away with that one.

“I swear, you all think I’m bloody blind” he laughed. “I _notice_ things, alright? So come on, what’s going on?”

“Nothing” she said, in a would-be casual voice, not meeting his eye. “Just, you know, with my parents and everything...”

“Don’t do that” Sirius said gently. “I’m sure that hasn’t _helped_ , but you’ve been weird since before that. Tell me, Lils, what’s going on?”

Lily looked at him in a very pained way. Sirius was starting to get worried again.

“You’re not sick, are you?” he asked, frowning.

“No, no, nothing like that” she assured him, patting him on the arm. He continued to study her for any sorts of clues. She had her lips pressed together, like she wanted to say something, but was having a great deal of trouble with it. Sirius decided to employ her own tactic against her, and said nothing more, smoking his cigarette in silence and calmly surveying her. She looked like she was having an internal struggle.

“I’m pregnant” she said finally, in a very small voice. Sirius dropped his cigarette in surprise.

“Fuck, argh, shit!” he scrambled to pick it up again, as it was burning through his leg. He crushed it as he grabbed it, scattering loose tobacco all over himself and Lily, who was sat next to him. She looked very unimpressed.

“Not the reaction I was hoping for ” she drawled.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry” Sirius told her, still slapping at his leg where there were a couple of burning embers. “I’m just... Fuck! This is BIG.”

“Yes, I KNOW that” she replied, looking annoyed. “Why do you think I haven’t said anything? I don’t know how I’m going to tell people...”

“Well...” Sirius swallowed nervously. He felt incredibly out of his depth in this conversation. “What did James say when you told him?”

“I haven’t yet” Lily said desperately.

“YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HIM?”

“No! I don’t know how to!”

“Shit!” Sirius’s mind was reeling. He didn’t remember having gotten up off the sofa but he was now pacing about the room. “You're telling ME before you’ve told HIM? Shit, Lily!”

“I know!” she said frantically. “I don't know what to do! How can I tell him Sirius? In all this? A _baby_...”

Sirius stopped pacing and looked at her. Never in all the time that he had known her had he ever seen her look so scared. He walked back over to her immediately and took one of her hands.

“Are you...?” he wasn’t entirely sure how to bring this up, but he knew he had to. “Look, I know it’s not nice to think about, but... you don’t _have_ to have it... you know, if you don’t want...”

“But I DO want it” she implored him. “Of course I do! It’s mine and James’s baby! We’d be a family!” she was smiling hopefully, but her eyes were glazed with tears. Her expression suddenly turned fearful. “But how CAN I have it, Pads? In a fucking war! All of us being hunted down, dropping like flies. What if James is next? I don’t think I can do this on my own!”

She was crying now. Sirius crouched down in front of her and started wiping her cheeks.

“Listen to me” he said firmly. “You’re not EVER going to be on your own, OK? That’s what it means to be a marauder. For better or for worse and all that shit.”

“Are you asking me to marry you, Sirius?” she laughed thickly, wiping her nose. Sirius smiled – that was more like the Lily he knew.

“I’m telling you we're already married” he told her. “You, me, James, Rem – even bloody Peter will HAVE to come and visit, now there’s a baby on the way.”

“But what if...”

“If the worst DID happen” Sirius said authoritatively. “Which it WON’T, because once Prongs finds out he’s going to be a dad he’s going to devote every bit of effort he has into protecting the three of you. But if it DID... that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?”

Lily nodded. There were still tears dripping down her cheeks, but she looked considerably less hopeless.

“But...” she said quietly, her voice shaking. “What if James doesn't want...?”

“Lily ” Sirius said softly, holding onto her hands. “ALL James has talked about ever since his parents died is the two of you being a proper family. Christ, he’s been trying for the past month to... well, never mind” Sirius shook his head. No matter how upset Lily was right now, James would skin him alive for letting the cat out of the bag about the proposal.  

“Just tell him” he said. “He’ll be over the moon. I promise.”

“You don’t think he’ll react exactly how you did, just now?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well...” Sirius conceded. “I’m not saying he won’t be surprised...”

“Oh god!” Lily cried, putting her hands over her face.

“Hey” Sirius said, pulling her hands away again. “He’ll be happy about it, once the shock wears off. And if you need someone to knock some sense into him, well, I’ve been doing that for eight years.”


	10. Family

Lily and Sirius were still sat on the sofa, having probably their millionth cup of tea when James flooed home.

“Hi” Lily greeted him, smiling. “How did it go?”

“Yeah, not bad” he replied, sweeping the coal dust off his jeans. “We were going through muggle maps looking for signs of where it had been altered by magic. I think Dumbledore’s trying to track where Voldemort has been operating from or something. We found a few things, no way of knowing if it has anything to do with him though” he shrugged and made his way towards the kitchen.

“What have you two been doing? Pyjama party?” he asked, smirking, as he resurfaced with a glass of water. Lily laughed as she realised that in most normal relationships it might be a cause for concern for a man to come home and find his girlfriend alone with his male best friend, wearing a dressing gown and a nightie. But since when had they ever been normal?

“No, I finally succeeded in seducing your girlfriend” Sirius replied flippantly, apparently thinking along the same lines. “That whole gay thing was just a ruse.”

“I wish you all the best” James said, playing along, toasting them with his glass. Lily snorted.

“Does that mean I have to run off with Moony though?” he added, wrinkling his nose.

“You should be so lucky!” Sirius laughed. “Don’t think you could handle him, mate, he’s got the biggest-“

“ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT” James said loudly, putting his hands over his ears (with some difficulty, since he was still holding the glass of water in one of them). He always lost at this game – he got grossed out far too easily. Sirius grinned.

“Speaking of...” Sirius said, standing up, his expression turning sombre. “I’d best be off. I have an irate werewolf to attend to.”

“You can stay if you want” Lily offered, standing up too and following him over to the fireplace. She hadn't forgotten how upset he had been earlier.

“That's alright” Sirius said quietly, giving her a grim smile. “I can’t avoid him forever. Besides” he looked to James, who was stood just behind them, listening curiously to their conversation. “Lily has something VERY important to tell you” Sirius told him. Lily elbowed him the in the ribs.

“Sirius, what are you doing?!” she hissed. He merely smiled.

“Not giving you the chance to chicken out. _Tell him_ ” he told her. “BYE” he said loudly, before disappearing into the fire.

“Fuck...” Lily muttered under her breath. She turned back to James, who looked bewildered.

“What was that about?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Lily took a deep breath. Sirius was right of course, she knew that she needed to tell him. She should have told him straight away. But it was hard.

“I... I have something to tell you” she said timidly, knotting her fingers together. James looked mildly concerned.

“Yeah, I got that bit” he said warily. “What, you didn’t _really_ sleep with Sirius, did you?” he laughed a little.

Lily smiled. She reminded herself that this was _James._

“I... I’m...” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Pregnant...”

The long silence to end all long silences followed, in which James’s expression was unreadable apart from shock. Lily would have started to doubt that he even heard her if it wasn’t for the fact that he was comically frozen on the spot, the glass of water half way to his mouth.

“Please say something” she said fearfully. He dropped the glass. It clunked onto the carpet, spilling water all over Lily’s bare feet.

“Wait right there” James burst out, running out into the hallway. Lily watched him go. Now _she_ was the one frozen on the spot.

“What...?” she breathed.

“Lily, where’s my jacket?! The grey one?!” James called as she heard him run upstairs. He sounded manic.

“Why, are you planning on _going_ somewhere?!” she demanded, coming to her senses and going to follow him.

“No, no!” James replied. It’s sounded like he was ransacking the bedroom looking for this jacket. “I just need the jacket. It’s important!”

“Why?!” Lily yelled, confused beyond belief. “James, I think we have MORE important things to discuss right now!”

“No, I know” he reappeared at the top of the stairs, running back down them. Lily had to flatten herself against the wall as he charged past. “Please, just bear with me. WHERE is this fucking jacket?!” he cried, more to himself than to her, wringing his hands in frustration.

“I hung it up under the stairs” Lily told him irritably, going to get it. Her wet feet were slapping on the laminated floor of the hallway. She found it, buried underneath the other coats and cloaks there and threw it to him. “NOW can we talk about this?”

“Come here” James said excitedly, ignoring her completely and dragging her by the hand back into the living room. Once they were in the middle of the room he started rifling through the jacket pockets looking for something.

“James, I...” Lily began helplessly, but she stopped talking as she saw him triumphantly pull a small box out of the jacket pocket. She felt like she had seen it before, somewhere.

“Lily” James said, running a hand roughly backwards through his hair, making it all stick up. He looked nervous, all of a sudden, but he was still smiling widely.

“What?” she asked impatiently. But any annoyance she felt evaporated on the spot and he slowly sunk down onto one knee, opening the box and presenting it to her. There was a ring inside. Lily clapped her hands to her mouth.

James bit his lower lip nervously, but was practically beaming as he asked.

“Will you marry me?”

She stared at him, stunned. In the back of her mind she was vaguely aware that if he had the ring, he must have been planning this for a while. Since before she told him about the baby. So that wasn’t why he was asking. She also vaguely remembered something that Sirius had said, about James wanting them to be a family.

“Well?” James asked timidly, no longer smiling and now looking terrified. Lily realised that she hadn’t said anything. She started to laugh. They were both as bad as each other.

“YES!” she shouted in between the laughs. “Yes, of course I will!”

James stood up to hug her, dropping the ring box in his excitement as he lifted Lily up and swung her round in his arms. She didn’t care. They would find it later. They were both laughing joyfully, and Lily couldn’t imagine ever being happier than she was at this moment.

“I love you!” James declared, his eyes shining as he put her down. He sank down to his knees, and Lily thought for a second that he was looking for the ring, but he stopped when his face was level with her abdomen. He put his arms around her, pulling her close and gently kissing her stomach.

“Both of you” he whispered.


	11. Gone

“Siri- Sirius!” James coughed, as he stumbled out of the fireplace into his friends apartment. He knew better than to start talking before he’d cleared the grate, lest he get a mouthful of soot, but he was just too excited. He was getting married! And he was going to be a father! He thought he might burst if he didn’t tell someone.

“Remus?” he called, when there was no response. Lily had warned him that Sirius and Remus were in the middle of a fight, but he didn’t care. This was surely bigger than whatever they were arguing about, and he wanted to celebrate with his best friends.

“Sirius?” he called, now slightly warily, as he approached the bedroom. He hoped they weren’t... making up...

“Pads?” he said, as he saw the bedroom door was ajar. He cautiously pushed it open and peered inside. Sirius was sat on the bed holding a piece of paper. He didn’t look up as James approached, and as James got closer he saw that Sirius was silently weeping.

“Oh my god, what happened?” James asked, seriously, putting a hand on his shoulder and looking around. “Where’s Remus?”

“He’s gone” Sirius whispered in response, holding out the piece of paper to James. It was a note, written in Remus’s handwriting.

_I’m taking the mission. Don’t ty to contact me. Don’t know when I’ll be back._

_For what it’s worth, NOTHING is more important than you. But I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t go._

_Love you. Stay safe._

_R x_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


End file.
